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the dating game – bachelor # 1

guys , i did a thing.

my hair is fine. wonderful actually. i go to a bougie salon on long island now so if there’s one thing that’s right in my life, it’s my hair.

if you’re new here – i’m single. very, very single. awkwardly single. paaaainfully single. got it? good. if you know me in real life you know that i believe in psychics and mediums and all of that stuff. so, if we put those two things together what do we have? no, not a problem. however –

i paid someone to draw my soulmate.

oh, i’m also a hopeless romantic.

and then i quickly realized that this may make for decent content here and decided that it would be more entertaining with two so –

i paid someone else to draw my soulmate.

and now we’re here. let’s play the dating game, shall we?

bachelor number one comes from etsy. he was on sale for $9.99. like any girl who comes across a cute boy, i have given him a nickname so from here on out bachelor number one will be known as jake ryan or just jake. why? because he kind of looks like everyone’s favorite 80’s heartthrob. jake’s drawing came with a reading so i’ll know exactly who he is when i meet him!

the reading looks to be written out by zen. they mention that they tend to repeat information from reading to reading so that i can remember the information. *raises eyebrow* and if i decide to do another reading with zen, it will make it easy to compare the two. ok. *sighs in skeptic* the reading includes an astrological/zodiac chart which i, quite frankly don’t understand at all and pretty much glazed over this info. i just want to see jake! there are two constellations zen could interpret and, according to zen, the second has a higher probability so they’re going to go with that one. sounds good!

zen gives some more information about my astrological chart and still, i glaze. i feel like i should mention that this reading is 20 pages long. finally, zen starts to talk about jake. they say that any good mentalist can create a visual portrait of this person but it will vary from mentalist to mentalist. *sighs again in skeptic* zen goes on to explain that i shouldn’t focus on things like haircut/style but more on features like the shape of the eyes. *eyebrow remains raised* based on the results of my astrogram, the reliability of my drawing is 74%. *eyebrow raises even more* is it me or does that seem a little low?

ready to meet jake?

ok, let’s talk about bachelor numero uno. my first thought was “oh.” to put it plainly, jake is not someone i’d go for. is he attractive? yes. those eyebrows! that jawline! but is he toooooo attractive? *narrows eyes* this is not the time for a therapy session but i think a large part of my problem is my hang up of “he won’t go for me because he’s too good looking so better not embarrass myself.” it comes from a lifetime of being heavy and hating it and always being in the friendzone. also a fear of rejection. and that’s that on my trauma that.

looking at jake again, i tried to focus more on the smaller details. like i mentioned before, he’s got a good jawline and strong brows. he also seems to have light eyes, which is nice (but i’m not sure how much attention to pay to that aspect). another thing i realized is that he doesn’t seem to be a knight of columbus, if you know what i mean. not that his nationality matters so much, but i have two fairly ethnic names for my future children picked out and if his last name doesn’t fit with them, how are we supposed to have kids?? also, don’t come for me for jumping the children gun. we’re talking about my soulmate here, i would think they come with the package. anyway- back to jake and his features. he doesn’t look like anyone i already know (that i can tell) which means now i have no choice but to fall in love with every bushy eyebrow-ed, strong-jawed man i find, right? because that’s the only way i could think of to meet him.

now that we know what he looks like, how is jake as a person? zen gives a few pros and cons. he’s observant, good-natured, kind, fearless, and hardworking. ok, sounds good. but what about his sense of humor, fiscal responsibility, is he family-oriented? because although the qualities zen mentioned are good, they’re not telling me much. is he going to plan spontaneous trips? is he patient? will he randomly dance around our kitchen with me? will he buy me flowers just because? will he be a good father? will he watch my favorite movies with me and not care when i recite the whole thing? will he let me control the remote? does he sleep with the tv on? i have questions, zen! the cons were also pretty vague. he sometimes likes being in the spotlight (don’t we all?) and he sometimes doesn’t know how to admit when he’s wrong. ok, kind of annoying, but is he a cheater? does he have an addictive personality? how is his temper? is he a liar? does he get bored easily? does he stan seinfeld? I NEED TO KNOW!

zen tells me that his birthday is somewhere between january and april so he’s either a capricorn, aquarius, pisces or a taurus (did i miss one? aries?). i think the most compatible signs to my cancerian self are scorpio, pisces and taurus so in the timeless words of the great american dinner and singer, meatloaf – two out of three ain’t bad. zen also says that “the current astrological chart does not provide the mentalist with a basis for determining specific age”, but usually the drawing represents the person’s current age. i dunno, man. jake looks a little young, no? zen says for a number of reasons, the drawing can show the person as an older or younger version of themselves. personally, i cannot think of one reason why that would happen but hey, i’m no expert. either way, zen says the facial features would remain the same. i’m not entirely convinced of that one either because time and age tend to change lots of things.

as far as soulmates go, our compatibility is a little disheartening. spiritually we are 70-75% compatible. we are 50-55% compatible by interests, 40-50% emotionally compatible and 20-30% psychologically compatible *sigh*. this doesn’t bode well. i wasn’t expecting 100’s across the board but “SOULMATE” implies high compatibility, i would think.

we’re almost done, folks. i wasn’t kidding when i said this was a twenty page reading.

his name will either start with a K or a Z (are you hitting on me, zen??). one of those letters are most likely the first letter of his first or last name. one (or both) of those letters could also be a letter within his name. oooohhhkaaay. so, my theory on him not being a knight of columbus is looking more and more correct. to zen’s credit, he did pick two very off letters. is this a good thing or a bad thing? more or less believable/accurate? higher or lower probability? at this point – WHO FREAKING KNOWS.

jake/kenny/zach and i will meet in a public area, like in a mall or a store. IT’S A PONDEROSA OUT THERE, ZEN. WHAT MALL? i know he doesn’t mean kings plaza. i’ll pay the toll and go to staten island if i have to. this auspicious meeting is most likely to happen in the next four to five months. (will he be my birthday gift from the universe?) zen then throws at me that i might already know this person and that meeting would depend on the maximum mutual desire. i know i mentioned i’m paaaaainnnnfulllyyyy single already, but i feel like i should stress that i wouldn’t know desire if it shook my hand and said “hey, i’m desire”. also, MUTUAL?? that word when it pertains to my love life is not accurate in the slightest, but keep going, zen. zen tells me that the most important thing is if i like this person, i should “go for it!” *insert fancy exclamation point* he says that if i’m active, the meeting will come faster. i should look for a meeting, think about it and that my positive attitude will have a beneficial effect on events. WHAT DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN DOING, ZEN?? i’ve been trying to manifest this cracker jack (jake) for years. maybe my attitude hasn’t been so positive all the time but shiiiiiit. look for a meeting? i preen like a peacock every time i leave the house, *just in case*. i think i should STOP looking for a meeting. people actually tell me this all the time but 1- i don’t listen and 2- i don’t know how. i wish i did. maybe i’d have a shot.

before i continue, i just wanted to circle back to zen’s advice of “going for it!” this may go back to what i mentioned earlier about me thinking certain guys are too good looking for me to go after but the thought of me making a move on someone i may *actually* like makes me nauseous. logically, i know that the worst thing that could happen is that they say no and we all move on but that is not how my brain works. it would be i make the move, they say no (run away screaming/make fun of me to their friends/ idk, pick a nightmare) and now i have no choice but to drink bleach. how else will i be able to clear that memory and feeling of unease/disappointment/awkwardness/stupidity/not being (good/pretty/ smart/ whatever) enough to go away? a while ago i read stassi schroder’s book (don’t ask me why. i don’t even watch vanderpump) and she said the same thing – what’s the worst that could happen? he’ll say no? you brush yourself off and move on. you probably won’t see him again. no, i probably won’t see him again (in person) but my mind will replay the scenario no less than 6,000 times, every time making me feel like a bigger loser, so that’s not really doing me any good. MUST BE NICE TO HAVE CONFIDENCE. rejection just gives me the dry heaves and i really don’t want to have to drink bleach. on the flip side – the best-case scenario is that he doesn’t run away screaming but that hasn’t been my experience so i’m only speaking on what i know. also, if this (or any) person takes an interest in me, can’t he make a move? FFS.

i digress.

zen closes off the reading by saying something along the lines of relationships are important between people and that external beauty is not the main thing. are you calling me shallow, zen? he says to evaluate any relationship i may have because i can change my line of fate.

how do i feel about all of this? i think zen means well but this was all veeeerrry vague. even jake looked pretty generic. if i could be honest, i got the idea to do this from tiktok and the girl i watched said that her reading said her soulmate might like to be in the spotlight too (again, don’t we all?). funnily enough though – a tarot reading came up on my for you page and it said that the person that i will be with is mildly famous and by default, i will become mildly famous too. do i believe it? uh. no? (yes. clearly, YES.) however, my tiktok tarots are for another post. anyway – do i think jake will be a reality? sadly no. i think zen means well but a lot of this was just way too vague and too backtrack-y like when he said that he repeats his information so that i could remember it? i think it’s because you’re picking and choosing a few key phrases and just interchanging them in your readings, zen. listen, it’s all in good fun. i’m just to type to get a little too caught up in all of it. who knows? maybe jake/kenny/zach will cross my path. crazier things have happened!

i think i’ll introduce bachelor number two in another post. i had fun writing this and i don’t want to lose steam or make this too long.

what do you think of jake? of zen’s reading? am i nuts? (don’t answer that.)

love you, mean it!

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