martina is losing it #29

it’s been a while since i gave the internet an update on my weight loss journey. the fact of the matter is that not much has changed since my last update. it’s ok. there was thanksgiving and christmas eve and christmas and new years eve. i’m not beating myself up over it. i’ve been battling the same 5ish pounds since september. i can’t say that i’m thrilled about that. i was watching a fellow weight watcher’s story on instagram and she said something about having 2 gains in a row and she was worried about this weeks weigh in and she said, “i would be discouraged, but not enough to go completely off the rails.” i co-sign this statement. i’ve come too far to only come this far, you know?

in total i’ve shed 91.5 pounds. as i always say, it’s mind-blowing to me to see a number that high and know that it’s the amount of pounds i’ve lost. gone forever! amazing. to play the broken record, i still constantly feel like i’m going to wake up on any given morning and it will have all gone away.. or come back.. whichever makes more sense.

since i’m not getting into the minutiae of my weight loss, week by week nor do i have any big NSVs (i mean, i do but, frankly i look at myself everyday in amazement. probably has something to do with the fear of waking up 91.5 pounds heavier. also, it’s been so long since i’ve updated that i’ve forgotten most of them. except for the time i had to run across an avenue while looking at christmas lights and got to the other side unfazed. not a bit winded.) ANYWAY – since i’m not getting into all that, there’s this:

i saw this while scrolling through instagram this morning and it stopped me in my tracks. with the holidays and the lovely emotions they bring i’ve been feeling this on a lot of fronts lately.

i miss not having to track, not having to care about fat free cheese. i miss not wondering how much butter or oil the restaurant could have used and also why they used so much when i could make the same thing at home with a fraction of that. i miss not talking about points. i miss just eating to eat. i miss not feeling guilty about eating a brownie with ice cream at a first birthday party. I MISS ABSENT-MINDEDLY GRAZING and absent mindedly eating in general. i miss not being accountable. i miss not being able to eat what i want when i want it. i miss not being able to satisfy a craving immediately. i miss just walking over to the prepared foods in the grocery store and picking what looks good to eat and not what’s best for the plan and still worrying that I didn’t make the right choice. i miss not having to find and learn to like substitutions for my favorite junk. i miss not having to fit things into my day. I MISS L&B PIZZA AND PEANUT BUTTER SWIRL ICE CREAM. i miss not worrying about getting some movement in and then feeling guilty when i don’t do it. i miss not feeling guilty about having one or two bad days. or “bad” days. i miss not weighing options. I MISS SNACKING. i miss not having to face the scale once a week. although i miss all of these things i for sure don’t miss the alternative. i am aware that most of these are the same thing said in a variety of ways. this is how my brain works. fast forward if you need to.

what i don’t miss is feeling like the biggest person in every room. i don’t miss not being able to walk more than a few blocks. i don’t miss my biggest sized pants being tight. i don’t miss clothes not fitting the right way right off the hanger. i don’t miss shopping exclusively at plus size stores. i don’t miss looking in the mirror and not liking what i see. i don’t miss the excuses. i don’t miss worrying about weight limits. i don’t miss worrying about fitting into a booth. i don’t miss getting winded while walking and talking. i don’t miss not seeing my collarbone. i don’t miss my shoes not fitting and wreaking havoc on my feet. i don’t miss feeling like shit without knowing i feel like shit. i don’t miss the aches and pains after a long day on my feet. i don’t miss swollen feet and legs. i don’t miss not being proud of myself. i don’t miss not recognizing myself in a picture i JUST took. i don’t miss feeling like i look like a frog on a log in every picture i took (esp. candids *shudder*) i don’t miss feeling like i’m not worth it. i don’t miss not having any kind of confidence whatsoever (even though i’m still working on the one i do have).

not that doing/having/feeling these things are bad/negative for everyone, they just weren’t working for me anymore. i have goals to slay so stay outta my way! (i’m talking to myself here. also, the rhyme worked better that way.)

see what i mean? that post hit me at just the right time. i could associate it with my weight loss, which i immediately did. then i read it again and it hit a different chord. lately, since christmas time, i’ve been missing my old job again. yes, THAT job. the one that was the topic of many a whiny blog post about how much i hated it. this happens every few months. i miss seasons there. christmas is a big one because.. well, it’s christmas. the time for reflection and memories and feelings – both good and bad. summer is another big one because that is their busy season. there’s commencement in may, getting ready for orientation in june and july, orientation in august. my boss was a huge bitch (to say the least), the night manager was a complete dick, and the director was a little clueless, which made for some trying times. things in the institution have changed – and from what i hear, not for the better – so i know me not being there is for the best, but boy, i miss it. and i definitely don’t want it back. i often wonder where i’d be on my weight loss journey if i never left. would i have started on it? would i have given up already? would i be further along? remember, there was a gym in my building and the building was all steps. i was constantly going back and forth across the street and through the campus to get things done. forget it if there was an event. i was like a pack mule and a chicken without a head – here, there and everywhere. i moved a hell of a lot more then, but i also ate a hell of a lot more. #stress. i think if a genie ever gave me three wishes, one of them would be the ability to go back and change things around to see the outcome and then be able to chose to live in that reality. would that be two wishes? to be completely and totally crazy and unrealistic and rambly for no reason – let me add there would always be a reset button to go back to this reality and start over again. OK, MOVING ON.

my job now is fine. it’s a job that gets me out of the house and the credit card companies out of my hair, but is it the most perfect job for me? no. was my last one? absolutely not. i just wish i could find a sure thing that had everything i love about my current job and everything that i preferred about my last one plus a few extras like a higher salary and my own office. WHERE THE HECK IS THAT GENIE?

now that i’ve brought us through that planned yet also unexpected tangent, i think it’s time i end this. thanks for sticking around #frands (does anyone watch schitt’s creek? i know i’ve talked about it before but holy shit. still obsessed. i finished the last episode of season 5, wiped my tears, and hit play on season one episode one all over again. i can’t believe this is the final season. i miss it already. fingers crossed for reboots, reunions. christmas specials and (a) movie(s)!)

thanks again and i’ll see you soon!

love you, mean it.

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