If there’s one thing I love in this world it’s a good romantic comedy. I like to pretend that I’m the plucky, scattered yet endearing heroine who can totally handle her own stuff, but will also willingly let Prince Charming swoop in and save the day. I also like imagine what it would be like if I were actually able to live in apartments like Meg Ryan’s in You’ve Got Mail or Mr. Bedford’s in Miracle on 34th Street (1994 version, of course. not 100% rom-com but dat apartment doh).
Lately, the subject of hopeless romance/romantics has come up in my daily life and I thought “Finally! Something I have an opinion on!” I don’t date much (so I use opinion v. loosely) – not by my choice, tbh, but I do daydream a ton and consider myself pretty well versed on chick lit and rom-coms, both by Hollywood and Hallmark so be confident that you’re in good hands here.
Men always say how hard women are. “You’re impossible to understand!” they cry. Well, boys, you’re in luck! Auntie Martina is here to clear up a few things. Get a notepad and write this down. Or bookmark this page. Screenshot it, maybe. Whatever you kids are doing these days. Just get ready.
Women talk – a lot. And, yea, some of it is nonsense about how Diane in payroll gave her the stink eye all day today (bitch.) or how she found out how many calories are actually in her daily Double Trouble Mocha Choca Latta frappuccino and how she literally died when she found out but she can’t just can’t quit them. She’ll fill you in on how her 1st-grade bestie’s cousin’s neighbor got engaged this weekend in a hot air balloon (which she’ll pretend to be unimpressed by, but really, she would kill for the same thing) She’ll also tell you how she loves daisies and the color green and her favorite comfort food. One thing’s for sure, she’ll definitely let you know how she’s feeling so, when you see she’s a little off, buy her a bouquet of daisies, wrap them in a green ribbon, order the chicken parm and pop in her favorite movie – because she’s definitely mentioned it – and look at you! Day = made.
Don’t be a dick
How come the biggest gripe of single people (myself included) is “There’s just no one out there!”? HOW IS THERE NO ONE OUT THERE? There are dating sites/apps, singles cruises, matchmakers, singles mixers, etc. that prove otherwise. I just had this conversation with a few different people and my question is this – ALL (like, every single one) of the single people in the world (or, in your neighborhood, city, state, country, whatever) are ALL garbage people? Like, not just the “oh, they weren’t my type” or “it just didn’t work out” ones. I mean the ghosting, the talking to no less than 5065 people at the same time, or the really heinous – ones who already have a girl(boy)friend/wife or husband/ family. I think the problem is that there’s too much of an interest in being not interested or not interested enough. It’s way too easy to swipe right and then never message the person or to message them a few times and then drop them or even to go so far as to go on a date and then *poof* #byefelicia and never to be seen or heard from again. Not cool, bros. So, basically, don’t do this. If you’re interested, see it through. It’s ok if there’s no spark in the long run, but take the time to find that out. If you’re not interested, don’t pretend like you are.
Now we know that listening and being a decent person is key. Now it’s time to act. Romance comes in all sizes. You can have huge, sweeping acts of it that takes everyone’s breath away. And by everyone, I mean all of Facebook and Instagram because you know grand gestures will be ‘booked and ‘grammed from here until kingdom come. Not one for sweeping gestures? Not a good listener? I got you. Here’s a list – a cheat sheet if you will – of things that you can do to make her think she’s the Meg Ryan to your Tom Hanks. The Kate Hudson to your Matthew McConnaghey.
- text her every morning – a quick one is fine. just let her know you’re thinking of her. want to blow her socks off? check in during the day too.
- hate to dance? do it anyway. even if you look like a fool. even if it’s only one slow dance at some random wedding. it will be the best 2.5-3.5 minutes of her night.
- tell her she’s pretty – even when she kind of isn’t. like when she slept late and couldn’t wash her hair that morning and it’s looking ratty. bonus points: when she’s sick and is surrounded by tissues. bonus bonus points: when sick means to her stomach, tell her as you hold her hair back.
- flirt with her – again, a quick text goes a long way. witty banter. be THAT couple.
- don’t roll your eyes when One Direction comes on. TURN THAT SHIT UP AND SING ALONG. (feel free to replace 1D with whatever artist she likes and you don’t)
- hold her hand. SIMPLE.
- buy her flowers. i know i mentioned that before, but you don’t have to wait until she has a bad day. any day is a good day for flowers. bonus points: pick a random day and send them to her at work *swoon*.
- i know we’re talking about dating here so this may be kind of weird, but eventually, this may come up – tell her how amazing she is after she gives birth. she just birthed a tiny human. YOUR tiny human. you better believe she is the most amazing, beautiful, fierce, bad ass person in the world at that very moment. TELL HER. she may just be drugged and/or tired enough to not fight you on it and just believe you.
- know how she likes her coffee – v. important.
- keep up with the kardashians – ok, that may be taking it too far, but if she’s into reality TV, don’t give her shit about it and know the players at least.
- open her car door. then wait to see if she passes “The Mario Test” (what movie?)
- make her laugh. for the love of God – this is important.
the great American philosopher,Marilyn Monroe, supposedly once said “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.” which, now that i’ve read it again, I’m not sure I’m in love with the quote, but I agree with the idea of keeping each other laughing and having a sense of humor.
- kiss her on the forehead. *shrugs* it’s cute
- don’t be a dick
Could I go on for days? Yep, sure. Are there more important things I should mention like, support her in achieving her goals, or having nothing but resepect for her. Am I setting feminism back a bit with this post? Maybe, but sometimes it’s nice to be the plucky, scattered heroine and feel like romance isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. It’s nice to feel woo-ed. I know that feeling comes differently for everyone and what works on me might not work on you. Like I said in the beginning, what I like about romantic comedies is that the woman can usually handle her own stuff. It’s just nice to be given an extra thought to/about. Let’s not forget also – love is a two-way street so just flip it and reverse it, ladies!
What did I miss? What would make you swoon? Have I totally missed the mark?