online dating

2017, are you listening?

It’s Friday, so here are five things.

What better time than just past the middle of February to make a list of things I’d like to see in 2017? These aren’t resolutions, so it’s fine. Right?

2017 – I’m going to need a few things. You listening?

A new “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – I  was watching Billy Joel’s WDSTF video and thinking back to when I heard it live at Madison Square Garden. It’s one of my favorites from Bill. With all that’s going on these days and all that’s gone on since the original came out, I think it’s time for BJ to update and re-record this classic.

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A streaming service dedicated to 90’s television- ONLY 90’s television. And movies, maybe. I live in a state of nostalgia and love when I catch a good Designing Women marathon. I would readily pay my $8.99 a month to have every 90’s gem at my fingertips. No matter how obscure. the encyclopedia of 90’s sitcoms i have in my head is ridiculous. try me. I recently found out that the Hallmark Channel plays “The Father Dowling Mysteries” on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Praise be. I need a little more of that on my life. I’d even pay a little more if they threw in some commercials to the mix. WHO CAN I TALK TO ABOUT GETTING THIS OFF THE GROUND? Kickstarter?

A spinoff of The Gilmore Girls featuring only Paris Geller- Come on. We all know she was the best part of that revival (minus Jess, of course) and quite possibly the entire series. Liza Weil is being wasted on How to Get Away with Murder as Bonnie. I keep hoping she’ll snap and transform into Paris. Then I feel bad for typecasting and I power through. From what we saw in the revival, Paris has more than enough going on to make a series out of. She’s divorced, so she could navigate the dating scene or try to get back with Doyle. Will she ever be able to keep a nanny? How is she as a mom? Will she ever use the upstairs of her home? Maybe she’ll just move out of the house, hilarity and snarkiness ensues. The possibilities are endless! The spinoff would also need a little bit of Emily, the Queen of Hartford. And maybe Rory, but only if she brings Jess. Otherwise, no thanks.

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Get rid of shipping fees- I may have mentioned this here before but it bears repeating. I HATE shipping fees. And return fees. And taxes. Anyway, I just got an order in that I paid $15.99 in shipping fees for. Turns out that some items have to go back and they want to take $7.50 off my return as a return fee.

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Yea so, I would like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be a part of. Why am I paying for you to take back things that I’ve tried on once? Isn’t it bad enough that the item doesn’t fit or just doesn’t look right?

a better way to online date – listen, online dating is what it is. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. I re-signed up for Bumble a few weeks ago and was immediately reminded of why I stopped using it in the first place. Bumble is known for having the cream of the crop men. They’re smart, good looking and have good jobs. Great. Perfect. So you swipe, swipe, swipe hoping for a BOOM. And if you’re me, the BOOM never comes. Sometimes I’ll swipe left (to reject) on someone who seems great but I know will also swipe left when my profile pops up. Why? Well, partly because my profile wasn’t filled out until recently and two, and I don’t know how to say this without word vomiting it out – most men don’t give me my body type a second look. there, i said it. And that’s cool; to each their own. I mean, I too base my swipes on the picture more than the profile sometimes (it’s natural) so maybe I should just take a seat. I just feel like there’s got to be a better way. Out of the maybe 5 BOOMs I made, two wrote back. Of those two, one just wrote back to tell me how much he hated the app. um. ok. I tried to steer the conversation in another direction – ANY other direction- and he wouldn’t bite so I gave up. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe I’m too single. I don’t know. Short of having a dating website/app that prohibits pictures, there’s got to be a better way. Unless that way is putting on pants and leaving the house. hard NO. (i kid, i kid) Sidenote: for my fellow Bumblers – have you found “celebrities” on there? I saw the founder of Tumblr and Vinny from Jersey Shore (totes swiped right on him, tbh. no BOOM though.)

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Woo.. that went on longer than expected.

Got it, 2017? Let’s make this happen.

What would you like to see in 2017? Let’s discuss!

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single gal speaks: OKStupid

I am so glad I have a blog so that moments like the one I’m about to tell you won’t get lost in the cesspool of Facebook and so that I can rant and rave to my heart’s content and then (hopefully) incorporate the public at large into my conversation. I watch a lot of YouTube and read a lot of blogs and often wonder why everyone in the entire world doesn’t have one or the other. Then I realized what a nightmare that would be.

before i really get rolling, my easter was great; filled with family, food and the cutest little jellybean who celebrated for the first time. how was your holiday?

As evidenced in my last post, I’m not a stranger to the world of online dating. I’ve complained written about it here numerous times. It’s been, amongst other things, an all around funny, discouraging, and hopeful expericence. But listen to this shit.

On my way to Easter dinner on Sunday, I got a notification from OKCupid that I had recieved a message. There was traffic, as usual, so I figured I’d check it out. This is what I saw.

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Ummm..

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I was feeling sassy, so I wrote back.

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Honestly, I get a lot of comments on my weight on OKCupid, usually inappropriate in nature, so I ignore them. i’m not a fetish. I don’t know what made me answer. I just think my brain went to “that was just unnecessary”. And on this, the day of my Savior’s ascension. #rude.

He wasn’t feeling my sassiness, so here’s his response.

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Rocky J. Squirrel – I don’t need your “admiration” for putting myself on OKCupid, or any dating website, for that matter. I’ve never had a problem putting myself out there on dating websites, FYI. Did you expect me to thank you profusely and plead that we meet? Like you’re doing me a huge favor. What made you think it was OK to open with a line like that? You couldn’t have just said hello and introduced yourself? Then to get mad at me for not putting up with your shit? How am I supposed to know your level of sarcasm? If you found it necessary and appropriate to leave me a message about being “a very big person” on a website like this, don’t you think other people have had things to say? Things more along the lines of your second message? Which wasn’t so nice. Word to the wise, Rock, don’t open with a comment on someones looks. Unless it’s in person and you’re commenting how beautiful their eyes are. Which I have, by the way. BIG, BEAUTIFUL green eyes.

Did I jump the gun? I really don’t know. I’m probably taking it too far, but as I’ve had a little time to think about it, the question that keeps popping into my head is “Don’t I deserve love?” Comments like Rocky’s up there make me feel like people genuinely think it’s not OK for fat people to find love. Like it’s all a big joke. Like it’s OK to make assumptions, and comments without realizing or caring that there’s a real person on the recieving end of your message. I wrote about this on another one of my long forgotten blogs. It was when that Marie Claire article came out and the writer was talking about how she hated seeing fat people in love on TV and fat people in general. I think I’m getting a little off track here so I’ll just insert the relevant part of the post here:

Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize obese (or whatever word you prefer here) people don’t have feelings. My mistake. I must have been dreaming when I have meltdowns in the dressing room. I must have imagined feeling left out when I went shopping with friends and family who are skinnier than me. On the other side of the coin, I must have been wrong for being proud of myself when I received my college diploma. I probably shouldn’t get nervous or excited when possible employers start to call me for interviews for my first real big girl job. Above all, as the article points out I don’t have the right be to loved, or to be intimate (which doesn’t necessarily mean sex.) You’re right, only skinny people should feel these things.

Here’s the link, for a little more background/clarification.

I probably could have broken this blog into two; a funny one about Rocky J and then a more serious one about body image and the internet, but my thoughts got jumbled because I didn’t realize how strongly I felt. As much as I don’t care what people have to say about my body and how it is larger than perferred, it bothers me. Then it bothers me that I’m bothered. It’s a vicious circle.

I just know what I have to offer and my body type should have absolutely nothing to do with it. I’m funny and pretty and smart because I’m funny and pretty and smart. It’s really that simple. If you don’t want to give me a shot, it’s your loss.

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Harry loves me for me and that’s all that matters.

oh god. i hope i’m not coming off as conceited because believe me, it’s taking alot for me to keep “pretty” in there. i never refer to myself as pretty. maybe it’s some leftover sassiness, maybe i’m just growing up and realizing that it’s time to stop being so hard on myself. whatever it is, pretty is staying. 

Tell me what you think!

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single gal speaks: BUMBLE

Bumble has finally made it to the Google Play store. Bumble, if you aren’t aware, is yet another one of those right swipe/left swipe dating apps. Except, after you make a match, the GIRL has 24 hours to start a conversation with the guy or else he disappears forever. Kinda love the idea, kinda hate it. Anyway, I downloaded it and, of course, have had some thoughts about it that I am going to share with you right now.

I wonder if Bumble is ready for Android yet. Or do I? Maybe I should just leave it alone.
Let me just check.
Oh, look. There it is. Should I download it?
Nah.
Maybe I should just try it. I could just delete it if it’s terrible.
I hope I have enough space on my phone. I’m not deleting any selfies for this.
Here goes nothing.
Ok, it downloaded and no selfies were sacrificed.
Sign in with Facebook? Oh heeeeell no.
What’s this fine print?
“We won’t post anything to Facebook.”

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Oh. Well, in that case I might as well do it this way so I don’t have to remember yet another password. Don’t make me regret this, Bumble.
OK. Remember Martina – LEFT is no and RIGHT is yes.
Woah. How ya doin’, hot stuff?
SWIPE
This guy is cute too
SWIPE
This guy went to NYU? Eye AND brain candy? YASSS.

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This is ridiculous. Every single guy I’ve seen is good looking, educated and have great jobs at great companies. Maybe they should rename the app Unicorn because this can’t be real life. What’s the catch?
Aaaand there it is. I went to high school with this guy. no thank you
LEFT SWIPE

And so on and so forth.

Bottom line on Bumble: The guys are good looking. REALLY good looking. Frankly, I was a little intimidated to right swipe because the fear of rejection was strong. Not just on a looks basis, but on an all around basis. I’m a great catch, but you have to meet me to find that out. They’re all pretty much “perfect on paper”, if you know what I mean.

If you were wondering, I did make a match and I did start the conversation. I did not, however, get a response. I mean, whatever; it comes with the territory, I guess. They also allow you to use GIFs, which gets an A+ in my book. on a side note, too much with the GIF? whatever. i just love a good GIF.

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Have you tried Bumble? What are your thoughts?

Let’s discuss!signature

single gal speaks: online dating

Monday, we meet again.

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Being that Saturday was Halloween, I’m guessing my weekend recap is going to look like every other childless late twenty something’s. I went into work for a little while, came home and sat outside with a bowl of candy, cursed/praised my mom for buying the cheap stuff because it made me not want to eat it but I felt bad that I didn’t have good candy for the really cute/well costumed children. Then I went over to my friend’s mom’s house for some Halloween coffee and treats. That was the most awkward sentence ever. and i wonder why i’m alone. My friend used to, obviously, live with her mom, but now she lives with her fiance. And by coffee and treats I mean:

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Believe me, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.

Anyway, Halloween is over (thankfully) and I have other things to talk about.

I’ve been online dating on and off forever now. I use the term “dating” extremely loosely because I have never gotten an actual date out of any of my endeavors. I have, however, been offered breakfast at IHOP.

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I really appreciate the gesture, but according to his profile, he’s from Astoria which isn’t exactly “local”.

I’ve also been compared to Snapple.

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And my personal favorite:

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Very recently, I started talking to a guy through Plenty of Fish. I haven’t even told my real life friends about him yet, that’s how recent this is. So guys, in case you’re reading, don’t get too excited. He seems nice enough and seems to know how to spell, so he’s got a lot going for him already. The thing is, he doesn’t add to the conversation. Meaning, I asked him what he likes to do for fun (get off my back, I don’t know how to flirt and this.. well, you’ll see). His answer was something like “I like to read, watch movies, cook and drink beer”.

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Not an “and you?” Nothing. So I took it upon myself to say that I liked to do those things but I also like to explore the city, be with my family, blah, blah, blah. i really don’t know how to flirt. Then I asked him what kind of music he likes. Turns out he’ll listen to anything. Ohhh kayyy.. I moved on to favorite television shows. He doesn’t watch that much TV. And we all know how I feel about that magical box.

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I even confessed my love of all things boy bands in an attempt to come off as quirky and cute. I live in some sort of Cinderella dreamworld where I am convinced that someone will find my quirks, neuroses, and obsessions cute and endearing and will love me in spite of them. They will never be bothered by them and they will only make that person fall for me more. I guess that’s what finding “The One” is all about, but for now I’m booking my ticket to the funny farm.

In the midst of this, I went back to my search and found someone else, who not for anything, looked like an even better catch than this crackerjack. So I messaged him. He hasn’t answered back yet and he probably won’t. I’m not being hard on myself, although I’m sure my “I feel so weird writing on this site. Hello and I hope to hear from you soon” message isn’t going to help my cause. It’s just that I’ve noticed that when I find someone who I find attractive, looks clean, who can spell and speak English and who doesn’t look like he’s going to lock me in a closet, and get the balls to message them, they never answer back. if i use one more comma – so help me God.

I’m not a dentist, I’m not pulling teeth. For the sake of fairness, I know that I’m someone who hates small talk. It makes me feel annoying and awkward. I never know what to say or how to respond so I keep it to a minimum. Put that with the pressure I’ve put on myself to make things work (because you just never know) and it’s not pretty.

For the record, as much as not getting a response sucks, putting myself out there by having a profile in the first place and not getting any kind of quality messages sucks too. I really hope I’m not coming off as a snobby bitch because believe me, I know my shit stinks. I’m just saying for all of the success stories you hear, I can’t understand why it’s not working for me.

I think online dating is great – in theory. I think it depends on how far you’re willing to stretch yourself, in more ways than one. If you’re flexible when it comes to all of the search parameters, especially age and location, of course it’s going to work out better for you. Personally, I can’t see myself corresponding with a 65 year old man from California. I can’t even say that paying for it helps. I paid for Eharmony and I was matched with men who liked to hike every weekend.

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Then there was that time I paid for Zoosk and stayed for all of 30 minutes because I got freaked out that it kept saying things about connecting to Facebook. Funny how that gif works for both statements.

Have you dipped your toe in the online dating pool? Which site did you use? Tell me all about it!
Is it me? Am I too close-minded? Am I doing this right?

Let’s discuss!

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this is what happens when writer’s block creeps in…

Let me first state for the record, that I have mentally written at least 4 posts. The problem was that I never physically wrote them down or typed them out so all of that brain energy and brilliance was wasted and now you’re stuck reading this. My other excuse is that I had a post brewing about how I heard that people have been making a big stink over Nikki Minaj’s Anaconda and Meghan Trainor’s All About That Bass, and how it’s unfair that they shame skinny girls in their songs. The problem I came across was that when I went to find the direct quote, I couldn’t find it. I KNOW I HEARD IT. I was in the car with Nicole and Lisa and someone on the radio said it. I couldn’t think of anything to say but, “it’s not the same. it’s just not the same.” Because it isn’t. I’ll go into further detail when I have all of my facts behind me. Wait for it.

Also, my social life has picked up. Mindy and Danny are back and we have plans every Tuesday night at 9:30. If you aren’t watching The Mindy Project, you should. Then we could talk about how adorable Drs. Castellahiri are. Mindanny: The New Lucy and Ricky.

Since I don’t have written record of any of the posts in my head, and since my mind has been like a sieve lately, I’ve had to start from scratch. Inspiration has not come very easily the last few days but all I can do is think about writing. Today at work I went on to Pinterest and tried to find some writing prompts that might get things moving. I felt like Blanche Devereaux when she was writing the great American novel and she was complaining to the girls about having writer’s block.

Blanche: Oh girls, I have writer’s block! It’s the worst feeling in the world!

Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Blanche: You just sit there. Hour, after hour, after hour.

Sophia: Tell me about it.

I tried to find a .gif of that conversation to make this post a little more visually appealing but the internet has failed me tonight. I could have just made one myself but let’s not get crazy.

Anyway, somewhere between handing out gym equipment and searching Pinterest I decided to check out what was going on in the OKCupid world. If you know anything about OKCupid, you should know that even if your finger accidentally taps the godforsaken app you will get notifications about people wanting to meet you the next two weeks. I was looking through the list of people who have visited my profile and clicked on someone who seemed interesting. I hate making the first move, online or otherwise, so I just closed the app and moved on. I had things to do- basketballs don’t hand themselves out, you know. All of a sudden, my phone vibrates signaling that I have a message. I won’t lie sometimes getting messages on OKCupid is fun, mostly because you never know what to expect.  Who will it be this time? A repeat offender who has said “hi” (or some variation of) 6 times in two weeks?, the guy who looks good in the thumbnail but when you click on his picture he looks a little… off?, or maybe the guy whose profile is written in English but you can’t understand any of it  (“i lykke lawng wawks on daaa beechhh” – umm… i’m sorry to hear that?). I clicked on the message and well, this is something you need to see.

 

I always thought my eyes were my best feature.. guess not.

I always thought my eyes were my best feature.. guess not.

I’m still laughing.

In all seriousness, I just wanted to put something up to show that I’m still here! And with the help of Pinterest – it’s a magical place- I should be here more often. Lucky you.

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