single gal speaks: online dating

Monday, we meet again.

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Being that Saturday was Halloween, I’m guessing my weekend recap is going to look like every other childless late twenty something’s. I went into work for a little while, came home and sat outside with a bowl of candy, cursed/praised my mom for buying the cheap stuff because it made me not want to eat it but I felt bad that I didn’t have good candy for the really cute/well costumed children. Then I went over to my friend’s mom’s house for some Halloween coffee and treats. That was the most awkward sentence ever. and i wonder why i’m alone. My friend used to, obviously, live with her mom, but now she lives with her fiance. And by coffee and treats I mean:

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Believe me, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.

Anyway, Halloween is over (thankfully) and I have other things to talk about.

I’ve been online dating on and off forever now. I use the term “dating” extremely loosely because I have never gotten an actual date out of any of my endeavors. I have, however, been offered breakfast at IHOP.

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I really appreciate the gesture, but according to his profile, he’s from Astoria which isn’t exactly “local”.

I’ve also been compared to Snapple.

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And my personal favorite:

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Very recently, I started talking to a guy through Plenty of Fish. I haven’t even told my real life friends about him yet, that’s how recent this is. So guys, in case you’re reading, don’t get too excited. He seems nice enough and seems to know how to spell, so he’s got a lot going for him already. The thing is, he doesn’t add to the conversation. Meaning, I asked him what he likes to do for fun (get off my back, I don’t know how to flirt and this.. well, you’ll see). His answer was something like “I like to read, watch movies, cook and drink beer”.

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Not an “and you?” Nothing. So I took it upon myself to say that I liked to do those things but I also like to explore the city, be with my family, blah, blah, blah. i really don’t know how to flirt. Then I asked him what kind of music he likes. Turns out he’ll listen to anything. Ohhh kayyy.. I moved on to favorite television shows. He doesn’t watch that much TV. And we all know how I feel about that magical box.

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I even confessed my love of all things boy bands in an attempt to come off as quirky and cute. I live in some sort of Cinderella dreamworld where I am convinced that someone will find my quirks, neuroses, and obsessions cute and endearing and will love me in spite of them. They will never be bothered by them and they will only make that person fall for me more. I guess that’s what finding “The One” is all about, but for now I’m booking my ticket to the funny farm.

In the midst of this, I went back to my search and found someone else, who not for anything, looked like an even better catch than this crackerjack. So I messaged him. He hasn’t answered back yet and he probably won’t. I’m not being hard on myself, although I’m sure my “I feel so weird writing on this site. Hello and I hope to hear from you soon” message isn’t going to help my cause. It’s just that I’ve noticed that when I find someone who I find attractive, looks clean, who can spell and speak English and who doesn’t look like he’s going to lock me in a closet, and get the balls to message them, they never answer back. if i use one more comma – so help me God.

I’m not a dentist, I’m not pulling teeth. For the sake of fairness, I know that I’m someone who hates small talk. It makes me feel annoying and awkward. I never know what to say or how to respond so I keep it to a minimum. Put that with the pressure I’ve put on myself to make things work (because you just never know) and it’s not pretty.

For the record, as much as not getting a response sucks, putting myself out there by having a profile in the first place and not getting any kind of quality messages sucks too. I really hope I’m not coming off as a snobby bitch because believe me, I know my shit stinks. I’m just saying for all of the success stories you hear, I can’t understand why it’s not working for me.

I think online dating is great – in theory. I think it depends on how far you’re willing to stretch yourself, in more ways than one. If you’re flexible when it comes to all of the search parameters, especially age and location, of course it’s going to work out better for you. Personally, I can’t see myself corresponding with a 65 year old man from California. I can’t even say that paying for it helps. I paid for Eharmony and I was matched with men who liked to hike every weekend.

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Then there was that time I paid for Zoosk and stayed for all of 30 minutes because I got freaked out that it kept saying things about connecting to Facebook. Funny how that gif works for both statements.

Have you dipped your toe in the online dating pool? Which site did you use? Tell me all about it!
Is it me? Am I too close-minded? Am I doing this right?

Let’s discuss!

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