life

rant and ramble: a possible case of stockholm syndrome

I’ve been at my new job for a month now and I never thought I’d say this there are things I miss about my old one(s).

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I know, so crazy. Especially after all of the blog posts I’ve written, both in my head and on here, all the tears I’ve shed over shitty situations, letters of complaint I’ve threatened to write, here I am missing the place.

Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?

Seriously though, I guess it wasn’t all bad. Like at most jobs, some days were better than others, some people were easier to deal with but all that mattered was that at the end of every other week, there was a paycheck with my name on it.

It’s taking some time to wrap my head around the fact that I don’t work at the Student Center anymore. I don’t have to go there unless I want to, I won’t see my co-workers unless we bump into each other randomly, like at CVS (we live close to each other, it can happen). Funnily enough, I am totally adjusted to the fact that I never have to be behind the desk at the veterinarian’s office ever again. I guess I was more unhappy there than even I realized.

This post is probably a little more for my sake than anyone else’s since I haven’t written in a private journal in years. I wanted to start one again but then I started this blog. So even though there are things that I would want to talk about publically, this will have to do for now. Basically, this is mainly for posterity’s sake.I’ve never left one job for another before. Anyway, I digress.

stop circling the drain, martina. get on with it.

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#sorrynotsorry

I miss…

popcorn parties – we had a real popcorn machine for events like movie night. it went unused for a while, but someone bought fresh kernels finally and then it seemed foolish to not use them. Once we popped, we couldn’t stop, especially when my boss wasn’t there.

rapport/talking – don’t get me wrong, we talk at my new job, but no one knows me. we’re a very small office and the people who I work with have been there forever so they know each other very well. I miss having that with my co-workers. It’s weird to work somewhere where no one knows me. My parents also worked at Downstate (that’s where they met!) for a long time so there were some people who knew me since before I was born. Also, there’s very little chatter. Everyone is doing their job. That’s cool, seeing as we’re at work, but can we take a minute to discuss what is in the water over at the Kardashian Kompound and who’s next?

flow of people – at the Student Center (and at the vet’s office, obviously) there was a constant flow of people. I saw hundreds of faces a day. I talked to them, shared a smile, a helping hand. That’s not the case here. It’s refreshing, but not ideal. I love having the phone ring and having it not be someone trying to push their way into a full appointment book, or not having it be someone asking me to do something they are more than capable of doing. The phone doesn’t ring much, but when it does, it’s usually my boss looking for the office manager, which thankfully, is not me.

music – it was a knife through the heart when I asked if I could play music to help me stay focused (and awake) and was told no because the boss and his wife don’t want it on. My desk phone somehow has a radio on it so at least I have the oldies (who now play Backstreet Boys, #geezlouise) station. It’s really not the biggest of deals, but right now I have a lot of down time so it would be nice to chill out with a little Ed Sheeran or Bruno Mars or, when I really need a pick me up, some Disney.

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my phone – i’m not really allowed to have my phone out, which is a blessing and a curse. First, I don’t have the WiFi password (I’m not even sure if there is WiFi) and I’m not trying to use all of my data. Second, I think we all could use a few hours of a phone detox. However, I miss scrolling. I miss my quick, but plentiful Instagram breaks #instabreak. I can sneak a peek if I don;t have work in front of me, but I don’t want the temptation of it becoming an issue. My boss was adamant about it when I first met him, so best to not step on any toes right now.

dressing up – my new job is suuuuuuper casual. Like, so casual that my makeup routine has turned into (lots of) mascara and some eyeliner. PERIOD. I’m not complaining because it leaves more time for other morning routines, like praying I hit the Mega and then remembering I never bought a ticket. Could I glam myself up every so often? Sure, but honestly, this job doesn’t call for a (light)smokey eye or a bold lip. Even a sweater dress is a little much. I just bought a black tutu (for God knows what reason) so, I guess my weekends just got a little more upscale.

I don’t have a title for this paragraph but I wanted to add, as if I haven’t said it 95863 times already, I miss my co-workers. Specifically, the ones who worked at the desk with me. They really got me through some tough times, both personally and professionally. They were there for the good ones too. We shared laughs, complaints and lots of cake. I miss the gossip. I’m a feen for that stuff and love the juicy deets. There seems to be a ton yet none at my new job. I find myself thinking about what could be going on over at the Student Center often. I keep thinking that my week is still split between two jobs and that I’ll see everyone soon. It’s a process. I’m working through it. Circling back on a related note, I miss the people I got used to seeing all the time. Downstate students and employees, former students, some of who worked with us. I didn’t get to say goodbye to most of them (it would be impossible) and I kind of wish there was a way I could have.

I don’t miss

being asked to do things that were specifically given to someone else and them taking credit for them.

the public (specifically the people who think it’s right/ fair/ not an issue to speak to the receptionist at their veterinarian’s office like they’re dumb/a piece of shit.)

not having set hours/ getting taken advantage of

not getting paid for taking a day off

working weekends

having to find coverage for my shift

not having the internet

not having my own desk

not having functioning heat/AC

misogynistic asshole managers

being spoken to in general like I’m stupid/incompetent/incapable

feeling like I’m stupid/incompetent/incapable

not feeling appreciated

not feeling like I can’t do anything right

doing grunt work (i’ll happily file papers, alphabetize things, cut ribbons, etc. but why would i be asked to clean the bars you put weights on because they’re rusty and filthy, in front of a room full of men, when you know they’re too heavy/awkward to carry out so that I can accomplish this without it looking highly inappropriate, if you catch my drift, when we have a staff of (male)cleaners that could do it. I don’t mind working, but don’t give me busy work just ’cause. or because my being there needs to be “justified”)

speaking of… being told my being at work needed to be “justified” and then not having anything for me to do.

being asked “what are you working on?” and when I answer nothing right now, being asked to do 16 things you, as the assistant director, were supposed to have done already or being asked to do something you, as a man, should do yourself and not ask me, as a woman, to do. (I’m all for equality – 100%, here for it. But, when a man tells a woman to do *insert task that i have now forgotten what was barked at me* and then says, not sarcastically, might I add, “are you able to do that? just get it done” (AND THINK THAT THAT’S OK) he can, quite frankly, go fuck himself do it himself, amirite?

Clearly, I have/had a few issues. Listen, working, in general, isn’t ideal. I really like my new job, but see how fast I’m out of there if I hit the Mega. It’s just nice to get up and not want to go to work because it’s work or it’s Monday or whatever and not because there’s a pit of dread in your stomach because you don’t know what to expect for the day. Or because you just don’t want have to deal with the bullshit. Maybe it will come to that. Maybe not. Right now I’m content. Now if only my love life could catch up.

GOD BLESS.

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currently…

Well, at least I’m consistent at being inconsistent. I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve gotten back from San Francisco. I have yet to write the overview I wanted to write and time is just flying, as time does – especially in the summer.

Since I’ve gone MIA for about three weeks, I’ll ease back into it with a good old Currently post. Everyone likes those still, right?

Reading: blogs. Since California, I’ve been so backed up on blog reading and commenting; it’s embarrassing. As far as books, I’m officially (after about a month) am giving up on A Dangerous Age by Kelly Kiloreen Bensimon (yes, the real housewife. or the fake one, whatever. she was on TV for something.). I thought it was going to be one of those perfect summer reads, but it’s just… not. I did, however, read and absolutely LOVED We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby. HYSTERICAL. BUY IT NOW.

Watching: right this second, Impractical Jokers (i’m writing this on Thursday night, what else would I be watching?) In general, I have a few episodes of Younger saved on my DVR. I love me some Nico Manganiello. Otherwise, I’m just waiting for the Fall TV season to start.

Listening to: I’ve been really loving the new James Arthur song, Can I be Him. He’s a romantic, that James. *swoon*

Working on: so, since the time of the disposable camera, I have had my photos developed (printed, for you youngins). I then label the back and tuck them away in photo albums. Very economical and space saving, I know. Anyway, I just got an order of pictures in so I’ve been working my way through that. I also have 2 blog posts in my head that I just have to type out sometime in this century.

(over)Thinking about: too much. those two aforementioned blog posts, other topics to write about, how fast this summer is going and although some cool/fun things have happened/ will happen, I feel like I haven’t done anything; I’m not ready for it to end, I need a tan, cream contour – can i make it work? changing my writing style here to be a little more informal and not capitalizing what should be capitalized. my god, this is lame. THINGS. I’VE GOT THINGS ON MY MIND. No worries, they’ll make it to the blog eventually.

So, that’s where I am. Hopefully, I can get my stuff together tomorrow and schedule some posts. I’m not making any promises, but that sounds good, no?

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i got your w(h)ine with dinner right here.

I’M HERE! I’M ALIVE!

I feel like I have to make that announcement every so often because I tend to neglect this space. So maybe my announcement should be

I’M HERE! I’M ALIVE! I’M A BAD BLOG MOM. (not momblog- def not one of those)

Truth is, life happened. I’ve got a few things going on (that I will tell you about eventually) and honestly, that back issue I’ve been having (I talked about it a few posts ago), hasn’t gone away. It got a little better, now today it’s like “I’m here! Ready to fuck shit up”.

Happy Monday.

Otherwise, I’ve been OK. A little blah but OK. It finally hit me that I’ll be 29 in about 2 weeks. And when I say hit I mean like a ton of bricks. 29 isn’t 30 and age ain’t nothing but a number, I know, but Christ. I’m almost three decades old. THREE.

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I don’t think it’s the number that’s bothering me, it’s that people my age and younger are doing things that I’m not. Getting engaged, married, impregnated, jobs with benefits. They’re traveling and buying houses. I’ve talked about this before and about the dirty mind games social media plays on you, but I’ve always been able to see it, process it and move on. This time I can’t seem to move on.

I know that I can also do all those things  but how am I going to do them with no opportunity? If I can’t get a date, how am I supposed to get engaged? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m going to marry every guy I see. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not holding out hope for a chance meeting with the love of my life. i watch way too many hallmark movies.

Same goes for traveling and buying things like a house. How am I supposed to do that if I don’t have the money? Last time I checked, my last name wasn’t Carnegie or Rockefeller. god, I wish.

My other gripe of the moment is The Mindy Project. I’m not feeling the second half of this season and it’s making me sad. It’s cool that she’s a single mom trying to date, but if you wanted her to still be a single girl about town, why did you make her a mom? Having Leo ties her to Danny, who has been noticeably absent most of the second half (other projects, indie films, blah, blah, blah), and forces her to be a little more mature and selfless. The reason I loved Dr. Lahiri is that she was totally self-centered and slightly immature. And call me a prude, but has being on Hulu made the show a bit more raunchy? Like, maybe more than necessary? I dunno. I love a good dirty joke and can out curse a sailor, but doesn’t it feel a bit forced? 

Do you ever get in to one of these funks? 

Let’s discuss!

 

NOLA in a nutshell: the finale!

The third (and final!) part of this recap series is going to be all about what I wish I would have done and some other photos that I wanted to share but didn’t have a place for.

Part one was all about food and part two was all about activities. Catch up first!

WHAT I WISH I DID

Ride the St. Charles trolley through the Garden District – I was hellbent on getting to see the huge houses in the Garden District. After the swamp tour, we had a little while before dinner so my mom and I decided to Uber over to the Garden District. Our driver was so nice and chatty. She recommended that we take the trolley from the start to the end and then at the end, we would find the big houses. It’s a nice ride and the trolley is cheap. It’s like $1.25 a ride. take a hint, MTA. We didn’t have time for that so we just picked a block, got out and walked around. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to see Sandra Bullock’s (or any NOLA celebrity) house and that I didn’t get to see the house covered in Mardi Gras beads but, there’s always next time.

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Have a drink at the Carousel bar – I heard about this bar through one of those links on Facebook. “10 coolest bars to get shitfaced in the US”, or whatever. The bar itself rotates, like a carousel. We passed it in the Uber, on the way to the Garden District. It was in the nice part of town and much more my speed. Not that I need some fancy-schmancy bar to get drunk in, but Bourbon Street is a mess. And I say that in the most loving way possible.

Get read by Otis at Bottom of the Cup – I know I mentioned him before but I really think Otis is legit. He was featured on The Little Couple when Bill and Jen first went to New Orleans. He predicted kids and all of that. Time passed, they adopted Will and Zoey, and then went back to see Otis the next time they were in NOLA. Everything he told them came to be. So, #realdeal.

Experience a real New Orleans wedding parade – I found out on the walking tour that you are allowed to hop on to the back of a wedding parade, but not a funeral one. For obvious reasons. I would have loved to see either of them, but right place, wrong time.

New Orleans is a very spiritual city. I believe there’s ghosts all over the place down there. The city had its fair share of tragedies in its history so it’s not so far off that people would hang around. Before we got our tarot read, my aunt asked the reader if she knew of any mediums. The reader said that she was one, but she couldn’t open the door to spirits when she was near Jackson Sqaure because there are too many souls around and they all try to come across. She explained that she can’t even go into the square because she gets anxiety attacks. She told us that back in the day, the gallows stood where the statue of Andrew Jackson is now and she feels that the souls of the family members who watched their loved ones die come to her because she that’s how she feels, like she’s watching a loved one die/be killed. I, of course, was fascinated by this but I kind of filed it under a cool story and moved on.

When I got home and started to look at the pictures on the computer, I noticed an orb on the Andrew Jackson statue. I posted this already on Instagram, so if you’ve seen it already, move along.

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See the red circle on the back of the horse? Maybe it’s a sun spot, maybe it’s a convicted felon of yesteryear. I’m going with felon and don’t tell me different.

My friend Nicole asked me to find the mansion from American Horror Story. Delphine LaLaurie’s manison, to be exact. Look her up. bitch was crazy. One of the legends around town about her was that she would have these lavish parties and right in the middle, she would leave and come back with a whole new outfit on. Her guests assumed that she was just trying to show off her wealth or whatever but the truth was that she got an itch to kill/maim someone so she went to her basement or the attic, did the deed and then changed out of the bloody garments. A fire burned the house down and exposed Delphine’s secret. i told you, she was crazy. I’m not sure what happened after that, but fast foward to today and the house is privately owned by, in my opinion, a very brave soul.

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The other legend is that Nicholas Cage owned her mansion but lost it to tax evasion. He owned another house in NOLA and lost it the same way. He also has a crypt in St. Louis Cemetery, but it’s highly doubted that he’ll be buried there because he hasn’t been back to New Orleans. Apparently, the celebrities who live there are seen there. Like, at the local grocery store and stuff.

My final thoughts on New Orleans: It is a beautiful, old, history rich city. Although it is 2016, I was almost surprised to see people in normal clothes and not 1800’s garb. It just has a very old feeling to it, which I love. It’s got charm. It also needs a shower. I was warned of the filthiness of NOLA but I really didn’t believe it. To clarify, the streets are clean. It’s not a garbage-ridden dump. Sure, the streets could be fixed and the buildings could use a power wash and a paint job, but it’s no dump. It’s just that I’ve never in my life have seen so many homeless people. No judgement, just an observation. Just like my mom and my aunt observed a cop discovering a dead man on St. Ann Street. I mean, yea. I’m from New York, homeless people are nothing new; this is just different. There was no shortage of art and music in New Orleans, the Quarter, especially. It gave the city life.

And that’s about it! I hope you have enjoyed New Orleans as much as I did!

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weathering the storm

I feel like it’s been a lifetime since I’ve posted. I really haven’t had much to say. June was one of the longest months of my life. I’m really trying to not be overly dramatic, but it really was.

I’ve been back and forth with giving an update because 90% of people who read this don’t know me in real life and I don’t want it to look like I’m fishing for attention. But, for the sake of posterity and because I’ve missed my home on the internet, I figured I might as well put something up.

My father is being released from the hospital today. We still don’t have a diagnosis. He’s gotten better, gotten worse, and stayed the same all at once. He’s frustrated and his attitude has not been the best. In all honesty, it down right sucks. It’s understandable but not something I’m willing to live with forever. My mom isn’t willing to either, in case you were wondering.

We have a few options from here and all I could do is hope one of them pans out. And we all know what a bitch hope could be.

So today, I was scrolling through the quotes section on Pinterest, looking for something to cheer me up and I found this. And I started to cry. Then I pulled myself together because I’m at work and emotions are frowned upon (no pun intended).

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Here’s to hoping the storm passes quickly.

I’m going to try to post something fun soon. Sorry for this Debbie Downer one. Also, thank you all for your well wishes on my last post. Every good thought or prayer is appreciated more than you’ll know, so keep them coming!

I don’t know how to end this. Got any good jokes?

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Martina’s Theory on Life!

Right now I should be job searching. I should be a resume sending machine. I promised Lisa I would start as soon as I got home. (sorry Lee!) Well, I’ve been home for over 2 hours and I haven’t even gone to nyc.gov to look at the Made in NY list. I’ll get to it. Right now, there’s something on my mind and I didn’t pay for this domain name for nothing.

I’m at a point in my life where if it were 1914, I’d be married with 2 children. If it were 1814, I’d be a grandmother. If it were 1714, I’d be dead. But, it’s 2014 and I am none of those things. I’m having a hard time with this lately and with things going on at home and more things going on at work, it seems to be worse than it should be. Facebook is also a bit of a shit stirrer.

I have this theory on life that has planted itself in my brain a while ago and has not stopped bothering me since. Here it is- get ready.

I was born in 1987 along with millions of other people. We took our first steps, said our first words, started school, went through religious rites (i.e. baptism, communion, confirmation, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc), celebrated birthdays, entered puberty, discovered boys/girls, learned to drive, applied for college, graduated (you get the point) at or around the same time. As milestones came we celebrated them together. Really, how many bar/bat mitzvahs and sweet 16s did you go to? Think about it.

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The last achievement we all reached together was graduating from college – give or take. Then all of a sudden we were expected to be adults. You want to further your education? Go to graduate school. You want to get married? Find someone to marry you. You want to move out? Get a job. Of course I’m not surprised that this happened. Life is supposed to move on and you’re supposed to be ready to be an adult and do adult things. But I can’t be the only one who sort of forgot that from now on it’s up to me. Sometimes I feel like someone is going to come in, throw me into a white dress, take me to the church and I’m going to get married because that’s what’s next. Then I remember that everything after college is up to me so I check my pockets and realize I don’t have the ticket for these rites of passage. Then I check Facebook and wonder where everyone else got theirs. (See? total shit stirrer)

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I know I am not the only one in this world, in my age bracket or not, that is looking for a full time job. I know I’m not the only one who is totally unhappy in my part time job. I know I’m not the only one who is frustrated by the amount of resumes sent out versus the amount of responses. I know, I get it. I also know that something’s got to give.

Millenials get a bad rap. We’re lazy. We love instant gratification. We don’t want to work for anything. We were coddled. Speaking for myself, I could tell you – I want to work and I will work hard to prove myself. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me. I wasn’t coddled. If I lost, I lost. Try harder next time. Did it suck when all of my friends got winning ribbons on Field Day and I came home with the participation ribbon? You bet it did. Did my parents make a big stink over it? Absolutely not. The fact is that I learned that there were things I wasn’t good at and that’s ok.

I hope this makes sense and that I don’t sound like a rambling idiot. I think my bottom line is sometimes I forget that in the game of life, we’re out of coins. Now in order to level up we’re going to have to take the controller and fight King Koopa all by ourselves.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Or is this another symptom of my Only Child (& slightly spoiled) Syndrome?

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