impractical jokers

fangirl, full force

if you’ve been here for a while, you know that i have a problem with my inner fangirl. she’s fierce and strong-willed. she’s the elizabeth warren of fangirls. she’s also kind of annoying and obsessive. i love the bitch, but sometimes i don’t like her. anyway, she was out in FULL FORCE last week (8 days, but who’s counting?) because something happened that i still can’t believe happened.

NO, THIS IS NOT ABOUT HARRY STYLES.

so, i’ve mentioned before that i thoroughly enjoy the show impractical jokers. i also thoroughly enjoy sal for said show. sal also does stand up comedy and i got it in my head that there would be nothing better than to go to one of his shows. it’s hard to pin him down because he’s on tour with the other guys and he doesn’t always announce where he’s doing a show. long story short, lisa found out that he was going to be a judge at a roast.

there’s a weekly roastmasters show held at the stand comedy club in NYC. it’s where new/newish comics battle each other. then the judges who are more well known give a critique or have a comment or whatever. google it.

i rounded up the troops and made plans to get something to eat at the place, since it’s also a restaurant. not that i ate much because i was so nervous i literally had to remember to breathe.

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it wound up that lisa had to work that night so jessica and i went for dinner and nicole met us for the show. i sat where i could see the door and don’t ask me why because it made for very distracted conversation. all of a sudden, i look over and sal is outside.

WELL.

that was the end of me. i must have went sheet white and i turned to jessica with widened eyes and said “he’s here.” at that exact moment, i started to shake like a leaf.

LIKE A LEAF.

i’m going to be real for a hot second here. i have no idea why my body betrayed me like this. i was nauseous, i could almost not breathe and when i put my hand out in front of me, it was not still. IT WASN’T EVEN HARRY STYLES. i feel ridiculous even admitting this so keep your judgments to yourself.

he finally came into the restaurant/bar area and passed our table. i tried so hard to keep up the conversation i was having with jessica to seem as normal as possible. he went to the bar and was talking to someone over in that area. so now jess and i started to make a gameplan. “you’re going to have to say something to him, mar.” jess told me, matter of factly. “i can’t, jess! i’m shaking. this is no joke!” i frantically whispered. “well, then i don’t know how you’re going to do this.” jessica said in her best teacher voice. none of this was helped by lisa’s texts wanting updates.

he finally ended his convo at the bar and turned towards the door. he stopped to look at his phone at a counter directly behind our table.

“get up and go over to him NOW. RIGHT NOW” jessica demanded in an even better teacher voice.

“umm, uhh, ahhh.. i need to put my flash on. give me a second. jesus christ. ahhh. oh god.” i said as i got up and sat down twice. like a dog trying to find a comfy spot.

by now, he had walked away and my breathing got shallow again.  i was starting to freak that i had come so close and i missed my shot. as luck would have it, he needed another drink. he came back in and on his way out, i shot jess a WHAT DO I DO NOW? I NEED AN ADULT look and then i hear:

excuse me? sal?

yes?

hi, my friend martina is a fan and i was wondering if you would take a picture with her?

yea, sure.

sidenote: i had a whole conversation planned in my head if i ever met him where i was funny and adorable. where we would hit it off and i’d be moving to staten island to raise our kids and clean his underwear. maybe this is where my nerves are coming from? just a hunch.

me: yea, big fan.

like slingblade and rainman had a baby.

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i got up and almost tripped all over myself, posed with him and jessica took the picture. i have to note, for posterity’s sake and for the sake of the impractical jokers fans who may have stumbled over here, he smelled really good. not strong like cologne, as i expected, but clean like soap and fabric softener. he was also very soft, which kind of sounds weird, but that was my first thought “he smells good and he’s… soft.” I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THE JUDGMENT TO YOURSELF. so basically, even i don’t know if i meant soft in body or clothing, it doesn’t really matter. i’ll stop now. please God, don’t let him read this.

we thank him and he walks away. (“see you downstairs!” i call after him because i can’t just let things go, he gave me a slightly puzzled look but whatever, i’ll take it.) jessica takes a look at her handy work and starts hysterical laughing. “you’re gonna kill me” she chokes out. “why? did you delete it? did it not take?” my blood pressure rising. she couldn’t even get the words out. she turned my phone towards me and i saw this:

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at least HE looks good.

i was in shock. i didn’t know what to do. thankfully, my nerves had calmed down considerably but not enough.

“jesus jess, what am i going to do? i can’t ask him for another picture. i don’t want to be one of ‘those fans’.”

again, we brainstormed how to do this. we decided that since nicole wasn’t there yet and we thought he was outside, i would go out to meet nicole and have nicole ask for a picture.

i wasn’t thrilled by this because he had already seen me and spoke to jess. where is nicole coming from, you know?

to make another long story short, nicole got there and we waited to be let downstairs. sal was in and out of the bar area, as were the other comedians/judges. before we went down, the hostess must have noticed my issue and she told us to ask to be seated near the judges. unfortunately, that area was taken, but we were seated right across the stage from them. it worked because 1) sal was next to the stage and 2) the stage was maybe 4 feet across. the show started and we were all having a good time. the comedians roasting each other weren’t great, honestly. the judges, however, were on point. other than sal, there was big jay oakerson (hysterical), rich vos (v. funny), some other guy who one the roast once (sorry), and, eventually, michael che from SNL (late).

fast foward to the end of the show. the whole room got up and made a move for the door. i got frantic again and jess noticed so she said “don’t worry, he’s right there taking pictures” OK great, so there are other rabid fans down here. we walked over and waited for him to finish/my turn. the girl before me, i feel like i should mention, was a little… forward. she wanted him to dance for her on snapchat (like he does on IJ) and take selfies. enough.

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he seemed to refuse. after snapchat sally moved along, it was my turn and again, i wanted to be witty and personable and what came out was

“hi, um, my eyes were closed for the last one. do you mind?  *hand gesturing me and him taking another picture”

“no, sure” *puts arm out to pose again* me: still smells good, still soft*swoon*

both jessica and nicole on cue lift their cameras and start shooting.

and just like that our save the dates were done.

still trying out the no capitals thing. still unsure about it.

 

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Vulcano eruption

Ever been in a situation where you have plans with a group of people and that’s great, but then the time comes and some people back out and it winds up that the group has dwindled down to the same people you always hang out with?

Last night Lisa, Jessica and I traveled all the way to the other end of Brooklyn to see Sal Vulcano (my personal favorite joker on Impractical Jokers) do some stand-up. Except it wasn’t just Sal performing, but if we’re being honest, I’m 89% sure that the whole room was waiting for him to come on. Maybe not the guy sitting behind us because he was kind of annoying and spilled beer on my bag and had commentary on every performer like he was some kind of comedy agent.

The venue was The Bell Room, which I kept calling the Bell Jar, a slight slip of the tongue that totally changes the mood. It used to be a warehouse but then the hipsters came in and made it a bar/performance space. all hipster shade aside, it was actually a nice place.

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Lisa and I had misjudged our Uber timing and got there about an hour before the doors opened. Luckily, there’s a bar, food station and photo booth in the front room. You guys know I looove a good photo booth. They’re the only reason I go to weddings these days. We met up with Jess and had a drink and, of course, hit up the photo booth.

We started on drink number two (yea, on a Thursday. JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE.) and to be totally honest, I’m not much of a drinker and I didn’t eat anything so I was feeling my two drinks pretty quick. The doors opened and we filed into the performance room. We wanted to be as close to the stage as possible. I personally like to be close to the stage because it’s a better experience. Who do the comedians usually heckle? The first three rows. What makes the night memorable and fun? Being heckled. You can disagree with me, but I can guarantee I’ll never go to a comedy show with you.

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The performance area also had a bar and being tipsy, I thought the best thing to do in that moment was a shot of Fireball. I mean, when in Rome, right? Long story short, after that shot, I was feeling goood, which is kind of pathetic, but I digress. By the middle of the first act, I had to use the bathroom in the worst way. So bad that Jessica told me to stop squirming. Now I have to make a decision – get up and walk to the bathroom in the middle of this guys set or wait until the host comes out to introduce the next act. I didn’t want to be rude, especially because I was in the front row. Also, my shoes were fancy and clicked when I walked, but since I was drunk this was a much bigger deal in my head than in real life.

So, to re-cap, I’m in the front row, drunker than I’ve been in a whiiile, wearing a shirt that says God Bless this Hot Mess, with a bursting bladder, noisy shoes and a fear that I’ll miss Sal’s set.

GOD BLESS.

Finally, I bit the bullet and ran/stumbled to the bathroom and, turns out, I was back before the first set was over.

Just so we’re 100% clear – I was there to see Sal. No disrespect to the other comedians because I truly did enjoy all of them, but that’s the truth. I wish they had taped this show because I would post it here to show how funny they all were, but they didn’t so I can’t. I can leave links to their Twitter accounts, though.

Michelle Wolf
Liza Treyger
Dan Soder
Jeffrey Joseph
Jo Firestone

The time came for Sal to come on and, thanks to my run to the bathroom I was considerably more sober. again, pathetic – i am fully aware. Why is this worth mentioning? It isn’t; I just figured I’d throw it in, set the scene. Anyway, Sal comes out to do his thang. And his thang he did. Call me biased (I am), but I enjoyed his set the most out of all of them.

woahhh what was that?

Nothing, just my inner fangirl showing up for the party. She’s embarrassing but inevitable.

Sal is a natural storyteller. I think that’s what I liked about his set. Sometimes, with other comics, you can tell it’s a bit. You see exactly where the joke is headed, you laugh and they move on to the next one. Not Sal. He told three stories and not once was there an awkward lull. He’s also kind of neurotic, which I appreciate.

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After the show, the room cleared out pretty quick. Our (I’m dragging Lisa and Jessica into this statement) intention was to meet Sal after the show, just to tell him that we’re fans and to maybe score a picture. Also, I was determined to not let my shirt go to waste. (check his twitter – he’s God blessing all over the place) Unfortunately, that did not happen. Not for us, anyway. What I failed to mention before was that the three of us were in a silent war with the girls next to us, who were clearly there for only Sal also. I didn’t mention it because it makes us sound completely insane, but we were also tipsy so I guess it evens out. Let me tell you, though – when I got home, I had the “brilliant” idea of checking the location tag on Instagram and there it was- in screaming color (#outofthewoods), our nemesis and Sal. This prompted me to screenshot it and send it with every crying emoji to Lisa. We lost this battle, but we’ll win the war.

ok, last dance, fangirl.

Bottom line – I had a great time on a school night. I wish Sal and I could have had a chuckle over my shirt (and his, for that matter. it was Nasty era Janet Jackson.) but there’s always next time. Unless he’s reading this. Sal, if you’re reading this – tweet me.

Fangirl OUT.

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a favorites mish-mosh

You know what time it is? It’s Friday Favorites time! I don’t have many this week but I wanted to share them anyway because it’s been a while.

The excitement, guys. I feel it.

Anyway, let’s get into it.

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and a sponsored post caught my eye. I didn’t even know this existed, but now that I do, I need it in my life right now. i want you, i need you, oh baby oh baby.

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Random? Yes. Beautiful? Also yes. I am in no position to have a bathroom or kitchen of my own to grout the shit out of it with this stuff, but when that time comes, watch out. I can’t wait to live in a disco ball.

Is it weird that I haven’t even used the item and I included it in my favorites? Search for it on Pinterest, you’ll fall in love too.

Moving right along…

I am an Ipsy subscriber so once a month I get a small makeup bag filled with samples tailored to me. And once a month, I look through the bag, put it down and kind of forget about it. I was going through my bags from the summer and in one of them I found a tube of moisturizer so I decided to try it. It’s the Skyn Iceland The Antidote Cooling Daily Lotion. I used my regular moisturizer and then put a light layer of this one on top because now that we’re headed towards the skin sucker called winter, I like to bump up my moisturizing game. Anyway, I put this on and, woah, they weren’t kidding when they said cooling. For the next five minutes, it felt like I had smeared my face with toothpaste and I have to say, I didn’t hate it. My skin feels softer and healthier so I’m happy.

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I’ve mentioned them before, but I have to mention them again. I am obsessed with Colourpop. Their eyeshadows are suuuper soft and suuuper pigmented. They’re blendable and full of glitter (well, some of them are full of glitter) and you can apply them with your fingers!  I keep telling myself that I’m going to take a break from buying any more. I try to convince myself that I don’t need another eyeshadow. Then, like a sleepwalker watching QVC, I find myself clicking the Submit Order button and 5 days later, there’s a package on my door step. it’s a vicious circle.

I should get my act together and take a picture of at least some of my stash, but that would mean that I would have to figure out a flat lay.

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My last favorite is kind of a two-parter. I always look to my friends for music and/or television recommendations. Of all my friends, Lisa is usually the one to have the suggestions that stick. Not that I needed anything else to watch on TV, Lisa introduced me to the show Impractical Jokers. I’m OBSESSED. The premise is this – four guys who have been friends for over 25 years play pranks on each other trying to embarrass one another. It’s hysterical. Even my father loves it. Maybe part of the appeal is that they’re from Staten Island and film all over the tri-state area. It’s a small part though because they’re funny no matter where they’re from.

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The second part of this favorite is my favorite joker is Sal. If me, Lisa, Jessica, and Nicole did an Impractical Jokers remake a-la Ghostbusters, I would hands-down be the Sal of the group. We both can turn into 80 year old Southern church ladies on a dime, we are not the biggest fans of animals, and we both love a good laugh.tumblr_nebgfijydf1qehu0oo5_250Oh wait, there’s more! The last part of this favorite that I just remembered to talk about is the What Say You? podcast. Sal and Q host a podcast and it is gold. They pod (?) sporadically so if you go and look it up (which you should) don’t think I’m nuts that that last one went up over a month ago. Anyway, if you’re looking for two lifelong friends just shooting the shit, this podcast is for you. I’m not listening in any kind of order but my favorite so far is episode 30, where they talk about the possibility of having ugly children and how children can be assholes. Good stuff.

What are your favorites this week?

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