single gal speaks

fangirl, full force

if you’ve been here for a while, you know that i have a problem with my inner fangirl. she’s fierce and strong-willed. she’s the elizabeth warren of fangirls. she’s also kind of annoying and obsessive. i love the bitch, but sometimes i don’t like her. anyway, she was out in FULL FORCE last week (8 days, but who’s counting?) because something happened that i still can’t believe happened.

NO, THIS IS NOT ABOUT HARRY STYLES.

so, i’ve mentioned before that i thoroughly enjoy the show impractical jokers. i also thoroughly enjoy sal for said show. sal also does stand up comedy and i got it in my head that there would be nothing better than to go to one of his shows. it’s hard to pin him down because he’s on tour with the other guys and he doesn’t always announce where he’s doing a show. long story short, lisa found out that he was going to be a judge at a roast.

there’s a weekly roastmasters show held at the stand comedy club in NYC. it’s where new/newish comics battle each other. then the judges who are more well known give a critique or have a comment or whatever. google it.

i rounded up the troops and made plans to get something to eat at the place, since it’s also a restaurant. not that i ate much because i was so nervous i literally had to remember to breathe.

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it wound up that lisa had to work that night so jessica and i went for dinner and nicole met us for the show. i sat where i could see the door and don’t ask me why because it made for very distracted conversation. all of a sudden, i look over and sal is outside.

WELL.

that was the end of me. i must have went sheet white and i turned to jessica with widened eyes and said “he’s here.” at that exact moment, i started to shake like a leaf.

LIKE A LEAF.

i’m going to be real for a hot second here. i have no idea why my body betrayed me like this. i was nauseous, i could almost not breathe and when i put my hand out in front of me, it was not still. IT WASN’T EVEN HARRY STYLES. i feel ridiculous even admitting this so keep your judgments to yourself.

he finally came into the restaurant/bar area and passed our table. i tried so hard to keep up the conversation i was having with jessica to seem as normal as possible. he went to the bar and was talking to someone over in that area. so now jess and i started to make a gameplan. “you’re going to have to say something to him, mar.” jess told me, matter of factly. “i can’t, jess! i’m shaking. this is no joke!” i frantically whispered. “well, then i don’t know how you’re going to do this.” jessica said in her best teacher voice. none of this was helped by lisa’s texts wanting updates.

he finally ended his convo at the bar and turned towards the door. he stopped to look at his phone at a counter directly behind our table.

“get up and go over to him NOW. RIGHT NOW” jessica demanded in an even better teacher voice.

“umm, uhh, ahhh.. i need to put my flash on. give me a second. jesus christ. ahhh. oh god.” i said as i got up and sat down twice. like a dog trying to find a comfy spot.

by now, he had walked away and my breathing got shallow again.  i was starting to freak that i had come so close and i missed my shot. as luck would have it, he needed another drink. he came back in and on his way out, i shot jess a WHAT DO I DO NOW? I NEED AN ADULT look and then i hear:

excuse me? sal?

yes?

hi, my friend martina is a fan and i was wondering if you would take a picture with her?

yea, sure.

sidenote: i had a whole conversation planned in my head if i ever met him where i was funny and adorable. where we would hit it off and i’d be moving to staten island to raise our kids and clean his underwear. maybe this is where my nerves are coming from? just a hunch.

me: yea, big fan.

like slingblade and rainman had a baby.

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i got up and almost tripped all over myself, posed with him and jessica took the picture. i have to note, for posterity’s sake and for the sake of the impractical jokers fans who may have stumbled over here, he smelled really good. not strong like cologne, as i expected, but clean like soap and fabric softener. he was also very soft, which kind of sounds weird, but that was my first thought “he smells good and he’s… soft.” I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THE JUDGMENT TO YOURSELF. so basically, even i don’t know if i meant soft in body or clothing, it doesn’t really matter. i’ll stop now. please God, don’t let him read this.

we thank him and he walks away. (“see you downstairs!” i call after him because i can’t just let things go, he gave me a slightly puzzled look but whatever, i’ll take it.) jessica takes a look at her handy work and starts hysterical laughing. “you’re gonna kill me” she chokes out. “why? did you delete it? did it not take?” my blood pressure rising. she couldn’t even get the words out. she turned my phone towards me and i saw this:

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at least HE looks good.

i was in shock. i didn’t know what to do. thankfully, my nerves had calmed down considerably but not enough.

“jesus jess, what am i going to do? i can’t ask him for another picture. i don’t want to be one of ‘those fans’.”

again, we brainstormed how to do this. we decided that since nicole wasn’t there yet and we thought he was outside, i would go out to meet nicole and have nicole ask for a picture.

i wasn’t thrilled by this because he had already seen me and spoke to jess. where is nicole coming from, you know?

to make another long story short, nicole got there and we waited to be let downstairs. sal was in and out of the bar area, as were the other comedians/judges. before we went down, the hostess must have noticed my issue and she told us to ask to be seated near the judges. unfortunately, that area was taken, but we were seated right across the stage from them. it worked because 1) sal was next to the stage and 2) the stage was maybe 4 feet across. the show started and we were all having a good time. the comedians roasting each other weren’t great, honestly. the judges, however, were on point. other than sal, there was big jay oakerson (hysterical), rich vos (v. funny), some other guy who one the roast once (sorry), and, eventually, michael che from SNL (late).

fast foward to the end of the show. the whole room got up and made a move for the door. i got frantic again and jess noticed so she said “don’t worry, he’s right there taking pictures” OK great, so there are other rabid fans down here. we walked over and waited for him to finish/my turn. the girl before me, i feel like i should mention, was a little… forward. she wanted him to dance for her on snapchat (like he does on IJ) and take selfies. enough.

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he seemed to refuse. after snapchat sally moved along, it was my turn and again, i wanted to be witty and personable and what came out was

“hi, um, my eyes were closed for the last one. do you mind?  *hand gesturing me and him taking another picture”

“no, sure” *puts arm out to pose again* me: still smells good, still soft*swoon*

both jessica and nicole on cue lift their cameras and start shooting.

and just like that our save the dates were done.

still trying out the no capitals thing. still unsure about it.

 

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single gal speaks: feeling down

Hi friends! Long time no speak. That’s what I get for tooting my own horn about posting three times in one week. I’m here today with a post that’s been a long time coming (long time= about a week). I just didn’t know how to start it, what to say in it or what direction to go in. I’m still a little unsure, which is why I’m going to write it and post it, even if it’s still the weekend and I don’t like to post on the weekend. I’m not one to show my vulnerable side, on the internet or in real life, but here we are.

Remember how in on of my recent posts I talked about the universe sending me signs and then not following up on them? Particularly about my love life? Yea, well it’s been really getting to me lately. Like, really dragging me down.

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not now, harry

Sometimes I feel like finding love is just not in my cards. I mean, I guess every single 29-year-old girl who has been to weddings of two of her oldest friends exactly two months apart from each other, one of which she officiated, and who is gearing up for her younger cousin’s wedding next year feels this way, right? Naturally. I just feel like no matter what I do I come up empty. I know they say that it will come when I least expect it. Let me say right now, my expectations are so low I should be beating the boys off with a stick. The reality is, I’d probably have to change my name to something like Football to get a guy to even look my way.

I’m not even being dramatic.

Ok, maybe a little.(not really). But I know my reality. I know what I bring to the table and I’m still sitting alone. Normally I’m OK with it; I enjoy sitting alone, but lately it’s getting old when I see my table full of nice things, yet have no one to share them with. Or worse,to be at a table for one in a room full of tables for two.

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I was talking about this with my cousin recently and she said to me, “you know, everybody says how hard guys are to understand. They aren’t. If they’re interested, they’ll go for it. If they aren’t, they won’t. Simple as that.” OK, but what you’re telling me is that no guy has been interested in me enough to make a move. I know she didn’t mean it this way, but, in my sad, irrational at the moment brain, that’s how I’m taking it.

I just don’t get it. I’m not saying I’m perfect (faaaar from it) but I know my good points and I don’t understand why I can’t get anyone to care enough to want to get to know them too. I have my hang-ups, like everyone else. My biggest one is probably my body. That’s a whole post that will probably never get written. Case in point – I changed my profile picture on Facebook on Friday. Currently, it is one of my most liked photos on Facebook, sitting pretty at 30 likes, 2 loves and about 5 comments. All of those likes, loves and comments were from women except for two. One was from my very gay (and faaaabuloussss!) makeup artist friend and the other was from a very married man. So, either most of the men on my Facebook are secretly smitten with me and are too shy to hit the like or comment button, or all of the women who liked it are just blowing hot air up my skirt. Again, I know my head is not in the right, rational place lately but still.

I’m casually using a dating website. I go on, check my messages, look through my matches, maybe send out a “trying not to be a creep but totally coming off as one because flirting is hard for me” kind of message, and then signing off. And yes, I do make the first move on these sites. Why? Because if I didn’t all I’d get are messages from guys that I’m not at all interested in. Is it so much to ask that if you message me, your profile is filled out with some sort of thought behind it? Maybe has correct spelling and grammar? i know, i’m a monster.

I know in order to meet people you have to put yourself out there but I feel like, although I’m not a hermit, the bar scene is not my scene. I want to join in on things that I’m interested in but I feel like I have no time. Yet in actuality, I’m sure I can find the time. I’m also extremely shy when I’m around new people so that’s a problem. Especially since I’d want to fly solo and not drag a friend along. My friends are supportive in what I like to do but they aren’t passionate in my passions the way I am. does this even make sense? shoot me.

I don’t know where this post is going because I have so much more to say but I don’t know how to articulate it because it’s getting late (#weekendjobproblems) I’m getting kind embarrassed so I’ll end it here. Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. Thanks to those who stuck it out. I’m sure I’ll be back to my normal self soon enough. I’ve already got my eye on some surveys that I’d like to fill out. See? I’m already on the rebound.

I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. How do you get over/through it?

Thanks again (so much!)

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single gal speaks: OKStupid

I am so glad I have a blog so that moments like the one I’m about to tell you won’t get lost in the cesspool of Facebook and so that I can rant and rave to my heart’s content and then (hopefully) incorporate the public at large into my conversation. I watch a lot of YouTube and read a lot of blogs and often wonder why everyone in the entire world doesn’t have one or the other. Then I realized what a nightmare that would be.

before i really get rolling, my easter was great; filled with family, food and the cutest little jellybean who celebrated for the first time. how was your holiday?

As evidenced in my last post, I’m not a stranger to the world of online dating. I’ve complained written about it here numerous times. It’s been, amongst other things, an all around funny, discouraging, and hopeful expericence. But listen to this shit.

On my way to Easter dinner on Sunday, I got a notification from OKCupid that I had recieved a message. There was traffic, as usual, so I figured I’d check it out. This is what I saw.

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Ummm..

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I was feeling sassy, so I wrote back.

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Honestly, I get a lot of comments on my weight on OKCupid, usually inappropriate in nature, so I ignore them. i’m not a fetish. I don’t know what made me answer. I just think my brain went to “that was just unnecessary”. And on this, the day of my Savior’s ascension. #rude.

He wasn’t feeling my sassiness, so here’s his response.

okcupid3

Rocky J. Squirrel – I don’t need your “admiration” for putting myself on OKCupid, or any dating website, for that matter. I’ve never had a problem putting myself out there on dating websites, FYI. Did you expect me to thank you profusely and plead that we meet? Like you’re doing me a huge favor. What made you think it was OK to open with a line like that? You couldn’t have just said hello and introduced yourself? Then to get mad at me for not putting up with your shit? How am I supposed to know your level of sarcasm? If you found it necessary and appropriate to leave me a message about being “a very big person” on a website like this, don’t you think other people have had things to say? Things more along the lines of your second message? Which wasn’t so nice. Word to the wise, Rock, don’t open with a comment on someones looks. Unless it’s in person and you’re commenting how beautiful their eyes are. Which I have, by the way. BIG, BEAUTIFUL green eyes.

Did I jump the gun? I really don’t know. I’m probably taking it too far, but as I’ve had a little time to think about it, the question that keeps popping into my head is “Don’t I deserve love?” Comments like Rocky’s up there make me feel like people genuinely think it’s not OK for fat people to find love. Like it’s all a big joke. Like it’s OK to make assumptions, and comments without realizing or caring that there’s a real person on the recieving end of your message. I wrote about this on another one of my long forgotten blogs. It was when that Marie Claire article came out and the writer was talking about how she hated seeing fat people in love on TV and fat people in general. I think I’m getting a little off track here so I’ll just insert the relevant part of the post here:

Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize obese (or whatever word you prefer here) people don’t have feelings. My mistake. I must have been dreaming when I have meltdowns in the dressing room. I must have imagined feeling left out when I went shopping with friends and family who are skinnier than me. On the other side of the coin, I must have been wrong for being proud of myself when I received my college diploma. I probably shouldn’t get nervous or excited when possible employers start to call me for interviews for my first real big girl job. Above all, as the article points out I don’t have the right be to loved, or to be intimate (which doesn’t necessarily mean sex.) You’re right, only skinny people should feel these things.

Here’s the link, for a little more background/clarification.

I probably could have broken this blog into two; a funny one about Rocky J and then a more serious one about body image and the internet, but my thoughts got jumbled because I didn’t realize how strongly I felt. As much as I don’t care what people have to say about my body and how it is larger than perferred, it bothers me. Then it bothers me that I’m bothered. It’s a vicious circle.

I just know what I have to offer and my body type should have absolutely nothing to do with it. I’m funny and pretty and smart because I’m funny and pretty and smart. It’s really that simple. If you don’t want to give me a shot, it’s your loss.

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Harry loves me for me and that’s all that matters.

oh god. i hope i’m not coming off as conceited because believe me, it’s taking alot for me to keep “pretty” in there. i never refer to myself as pretty. maybe it’s some leftover sassiness, maybe i’m just growing up and realizing that it’s time to stop being so hard on myself. whatever it is, pretty is staying. 

Tell me what you think!

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single gal speaks: BUMBLE

Bumble has finally made it to the Google Play store. Bumble, if you aren’t aware, is yet another one of those right swipe/left swipe dating apps. Except, after you make a match, the GIRL has 24 hours to start a conversation with the guy or else he disappears forever. Kinda love the idea, kinda hate it. Anyway, I downloaded it and, of course, have had some thoughts about it that I am going to share with you right now.

I wonder if Bumble is ready for Android yet. Or do I? Maybe I should just leave it alone.
Let me just check.
Oh, look. There it is. Should I download it?
Nah.
Maybe I should just try it. I could just delete it if it’s terrible.
I hope I have enough space on my phone. I’m not deleting any selfies for this.
Here goes nothing.
Ok, it downloaded and no selfies were sacrificed.
Sign in with Facebook? Oh heeeeell no.
What’s this fine print?
“We won’t post anything to Facebook.”

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Oh. Well, in that case I might as well do it this way so I don’t have to remember yet another password. Don’t make me regret this, Bumble.
OK. Remember Martina – LEFT is no and RIGHT is yes.
Woah. How ya doin’, hot stuff?
SWIPE
This guy is cute too
SWIPE
This guy went to NYU? Eye AND brain candy? YASSS.

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This is ridiculous. Every single guy I’ve seen is good looking, educated and have great jobs at great companies. Maybe they should rename the app Unicorn because this can’t be real life. What’s the catch?
Aaaand there it is. I went to high school with this guy. no thank you
LEFT SWIPE

And so on and so forth.

Bottom line on Bumble: The guys are good looking. REALLY good looking. Frankly, I was a little intimidated to right swipe because the fear of rejection was strong. Not just on a looks basis, but on an all around basis. I’m a great catch, but you have to meet me to find that out. They’re all pretty much “perfect on paper”, if you know what I mean.

If you were wondering, I did make a match and I did start the conversation. I did not, however, get a response. I mean, whatever; it comes with the territory, I guess. They also allow you to use GIFs, which gets an A+ in my book. on a side note, too much with the GIF? whatever. i just love a good GIF.

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Have you tried Bumble? What are your thoughts?

Let’s discuss!signature

single gal speaks: online dating

Monday, we meet again.

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Being that Saturday was Halloween, I’m guessing my weekend recap is going to look like every other childless late twenty something’s. I went into work for a little while, came home and sat outside with a bowl of candy, cursed/praised my mom for buying the cheap stuff because it made me not want to eat it but I felt bad that I didn’t have good candy for the really cute/well costumed children. Then I went over to my friend’s mom’s house for some Halloween coffee and treats. That was the most awkward sentence ever. and i wonder why i’m alone. My friend used to, obviously, live with her mom, but now she lives with her fiance. And by coffee and treats I mean:

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Believe me, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.

Anyway, Halloween is over (thankfully) and I have other things to talk about.

I’ve been online dating on and off forever now. I use the term “dating” extremely loosely because I have never gotten an actual date out of any of my endeavors. I have, however, been offered breakfast at IHOP.

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I really appreciate the gesture, but according to his profile, he’s from Astoria which isn’t exactly “local”.

I’ve also been compared to Snapple.

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And my personal favorite:

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Very recently, I started talking to a guy through Plenty of Fish. I haven’t even told my real life friends about him yet, that’s how recent this is. So guys, in case you’re reading, don’t get too excited. He seems nice enough and seems to know how to spell, so he’s got a lot going for him already. The thing is, he doesn’t add to the conversation. Meaning, I asked him what he likes to do for fun (get off my back, I don’t know how to flirt and this.. well, you’ll see). His answer was something like “I like to read, watch movies, cook and drink beer”.

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Not an “and you?” Nothing. So I took it upon myself to say that I liked to do those things but I also like to explore the city, be with my family, blah, blah, blah. i really don’t know how to flirt. Then I asked him what kind of music he likes. Turns out he’ll listen to anything. Ohhh kayyy.. I moved on to favorite television shows. He doesn’t watch that much TV. And we all know how I feel about that magical box.

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I even confessed my love of all things boy bands in an attempt to come off as quirky and cute. I live in some sort of Cinderella dreamworld where I am convinced that someone will find my quirks, neuroses, and obsessions cute and endearing and will love me in spite of them. They will never be bothered by them and they will only make that person fall for me more. I guess that’s what finding “The One” is all about, but for now I’m booking my ticket to the funny farm.

In the midst of this, I went back to my search and found someone else, who not for anything, looked like an even better catch than this crackerjack. So I messaged him. He hasn’t answered back yet and he probably won’t. I’m not being hard on myself, although I’m sure my “I feel so weird writing on this site. Hello and I hope to hear from you soon” message isn’t going to help my cause. It’s just that I’ve noticed that when I find someone who I find attractive, looks clean, who can spell and speak English and who doesn’t look like he’s going to lock me in a closet, and get the balls to message them, they never answer back. if i use one more comma – so help me God.

I’m not a dentist, I’m not pulling teeth. For the sake of fairness, I know that I’m someone who hates small talk. It makes me feel annoying and awkward. I never know what to say or how to respond so I keep it to a minimum. Put that with the pressure I’ve put on myself to make things work (because you just never know) and it’s not pretty.

For the record, as much as not getting a response sucks, putting myself out there by having a profile in the first place and not getting any kind of quality messages sucks too. I really hope I’m not coming off as a snobby bitch because believe me, I know my shit stinks. I’m just saying for all of the success stories you hear, I can’t understand why it’s not working for me.

I think online dating is great – in theory. I think it depends on how far you’re willing to stretch yourself, in more ways than one. If you’re flexible when it comes to all of the search parameters, especially age and location, of course it’s going to work out better for you. Personally, I can’t see myself corresponding with a 65 year old man from California. I can’t even say that paying for it helps. I paid for Eharmony and I was matched with men who liked to hike every weekend.

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Then there was that time I paid for Zoosk and stayed for all of 30 minutes because I got freaked out that it kept saying things about connecting to Facebook. Funny how that gif works for both statements.

Have you dipped your toe in the online dating pool? Which site did you use? Tell me all about it!
Is it me? Am I too close-minded? Am I doing this right?

Let’s discuss!

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single gal speaks: adventures in speed dating

Gather round, friends. I got a story for ya.

Picture it- New York, 2012.

It was the Monday of Labor Day weekend when two single gals from Brooklyn decided to take matters of the heart in to their own hands and get out there and try something new.

As we should all know by now, Lisa likes to think of new adventures for us to go on. Sometimes I have a say in our activities and sometimes I just get a phone call that says “So, I bought these tickets”. This was one of those times.

Tickets? Getting tickets to something should be fun! Tickets mean Broadway shows or the movies or plane rides to exotic locations where you can sit poolside with a refreshing drink in your hand. But I digress.

These tickets were not for something fun. These tickets were for my worst nightmare. These tickets were for…

SPEED DATING.

To say I didn’t want to go was a gross understatement. But there I was, getting off the train at Penn Station, waiting for two of Lisa’s co-workers to meet us for a quick drink before we made our way to the torture chamber restaurant. By the time we got there, whatever was in that quick drink must have worked because I was feeling better about what was going on. I wasn’t 100% sold, but I didn’t feel the need to find a hole to fall into anymore.

Before I continue I feel the need to say this – I have/had nothing against speed dating. My feelings of apprehension were totally cause by my insecurities. Not to get too serious or psychological but, I was always seen as “the friend”. I was always nice enough or funny enough to hang out with but anything past that almost seemed like a joke. Basically, after years of being too shy to pursue anyone and after years of feeling like I shouldn’t pursue anyone because they probably wouldn’t be interested anyway, putting myself into a situation like this was a hard pill to swallow. I felt that since I’ve been written off for how I’ve looked before that it was just going to turn into a parade of NOs and I just couldn’t deal with that. I know I have a good personality and an excellent sense of humor and I can carry a conversation, but I also know that I can be very introverted and shy when I’m in a new situation, especially when I’m uncomfortable. I was letting all of my doubts and insecurities and pre-conceived notions get the best of me.

But again, I digress.

We walked in a were led to a long set of tables and were told to make ourselves comfortable on the booth side. The men were then escorted in and sat in the chairs across from each of us. I was seated between Lisa and one of her co-workers. I figured if all else failed, I’d pull one of them into my “date”. We were given pieces of paper to write down the names of our dates, make some notes and rate them on a scale of 1-10. 1 being “I never want to see this person again” and 10 being “what are you doing for the rest of your life?”. The bell rang and we were off.

I don’t remember all of my dates but when they were good, they were really, really good. And by good, I mean bad. Here are some highlights.

Me: So, where are you from?

Him: Guess.

Me: Um, OK. Want to give me a hint?

Him: I’m from the same place Obama’s father is from.

Me: -_- (i actually knew the answer but I didn’t want to look too eager)

Him: It’s in Africa.

Me: Zimbabwe?

Him: No, try again.

Me: Oh, um. Kenya? (told you i knew it)

Him: Yes!

Me: (to myself) Good because my knowledge of African countries was running out.

Him: So, what do you like to do for fun?

Me: (to myself) oh shit. lay on the couch? eat? plan my weddings to my celebrity husbands? oh, God.

Me: Well, I like to explore the city, read, be with family and friends, go to the movies, maybe see a Broadway show. Ummmm… I’ve recently gotten into photography…?

Him: Oh, so you’re boring?

Me: Um. Well, I guess so. *rates him a 1 on my evaluation sheet*

funny story, a few weeks after we went on this adventure, i was talking to someone that i was starting to have a nice size crush on. i was telling him this story and he started to laugh and asked me how i answered the question. i told him and he said “you’re not boring! that’s a hard question to answer and probably not the best to ask in that kind of situation.” then i promptly melted. he’s engaged now so… yea. digressing, yet again.

And now, my personal favorite.

Me: So, is this your first time doing something like this?

Him: No, I come every week.

Me: Oh! Really? Um. Ok.

Him: Yea, they call me when they’re having an event and I show up.

After the final bell rang, we gathered whatever dignity we had left our things and high tailed it out of there. We found ourselves in a diner (that had the best French onion soup ever in life), like real, stereotypical New Yorkers. There were a few guys I tried to make a match with (ok, one), like the photographer from Connecticut, but feelings weren’t mutual I guess. That’s cool.

Would I do it again?: Absolutely! Now that I could go in knowing what to expect and being OK with the possibility of not making a match, I would definitely go again. And really, you just never know who is waiting for you just around the corner. I know Lisa got our tickets on Groupon (or LivingSocial, whichever.) and I’m sure things like this are offered all the time. why pay full price? My suggestion – make sure the place has a bar (but don’t get sloppy drunk – just in case!), grab your girlfriends and have good time!

britney’s got the right idea!

Have you ever gone speed dating? Would you?

Let’s discuss!

single gal speaks: facebook stalking

We’ve all done it. We can deny it, try to stop it, or just learn to embrace that it is part of every day life now. I even found myself doing it yesterday afternoon. What am I talking about?

FACEBOOK STALKING

Specifically, an old flame’s new match. 

Ugh. I know, right? Since I found myself doing this recently, I figured I’d make a list of what was going through my head as I was doing it so we can all commiserate together in the comments.

for reference: my urge to snoop around stemmed from a text from a friend who mentioned the new match. ok, let’s go.

  • hmm.. i can’t remember what the new girl looks like..
  • open Facebook app
  • what was her name again?
  • ugh. i can’t find her. how does she spell it?
  • she has to be different, doesn’t she?
  • maybe this is a sign to just turn back and not open pandora’s box
  • ha! yea, right

tomhanksygm

  • ok, who’s friend list could i find her on?
  • this would be so much easier if HE had a facebook
  • this may take all night. i mean, i’ve got nothing else to do.
  • ten minutes later…
  • BINGO!
  • what is her profile picture of? click
  • oh. they took engagement photos. how nice.
  • i don’t even have feelings for him anymore. why is this bothering me?
  • oh God. they’re in a meadow
  • LAAAAAAMMMEEEEE
  • are there any more?
  • she’s got her profile locked up tighter than fort knox.

drevil

  • why does she look so young? am i really that old?
  • he looks good.
  • ugh. please. don’t go there.
  • but he really does.
  • STOP.IT.
  • maybe he doesn’t look that good.
  • yes he does.
  • ENOUGH. look at something else.
  • she’s really taking advantage of those privacy settings, huh?
  • well, i guess we’re done here. until next time, lovebirds.
  • close facebook app
  • gag

Am I close? Those privacy settings are a killer, no?

Let’s discuss!

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single gal speaks: Santa Baby

I was flipping through my Flipboard app and I came across that video in an article from the Daily Mirror. (Is that like the Enquirer for our UK friends?)

Can I just say how in love I am with her remix? It’s adorable. And hits all too close to home.

So if anyone needs an idea on what to get me for Christmas, watch the video.

Except, he doesn’t have to squeeze into tight Calvins. I actually prefer sweats. And please have a sense of humor. And a good job. And no commitment issues. And please be nice. And open minded with lots of patience. And very romantical. And be smart. And reads. Like, actual books – for fun. And be able to hold a conversation. And has grammatical skill – even through text. =/ And be accepting, generous, good with kids. And not neurotic (I’ve got enough of that for the both of us) And level headed. And financially responsible… this could go on for days.

I’m not asking much (just a token, really. A trifle!). Oh! speaks in movie quotes. And song lyrics. And cute inside jokes.

Ugh. I’ll stop now.

I’ve been a little uninspired lately. What do you do when you’re feeling like you have nothing to say. Or you don’t have an interesting way of saying it?

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a single gal speaks: thoughts from a bridal expo

I went to my first bridal expo tonight. I’m so single my middle name might as well be Kraft, but that won’t stop be from being a supportive bridesmaid.

Here’s a decent sized list of what was going through my head as we walked through the expo.

  • ohh trumpeters! I wonder if I could hire them to announce my every arrival. Google it later.
  • this place is gorgeous. what can i throw a party for? being single? yea right.
  • open bar! hallelujah!
  • where did she get that cheese plate?
  • i’m starving. where did everybody find cheese?
  • potato puff? don’t mind if I do.
  • ohmigod. what the heck is in these things? crack?
  • found the cheese!
  • oh, this is good cheese.
  • these crackers are quality.
  • moving on. let’s see what we could win.
  • a kitchen aid mixer? score! i wonder if i need to be a bride-to-be to qualify.
  • forget it. my mom has no counter space.
  • but the hot pink is gorgeous.
  • nah, i really don’t want to hear my mother.
  • oh God, i still live with my parents.
  • every woman in here is engaged. that’s weird. oh wait – bridal expo. right.
  • that woman’s ring is huge! and sparkly!
  • it would look great on my finger.
  • i wonder if i ever will have one on my finger.
  • get it together, martina
  • weight loss shakes!
  • ehh. one meal a day? i don’t know if i’m ready for all that.
  • FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY THEY HAVE A PHOTO BOOTH!
  • thank goodness lisa is here. at least i have someone to take pictures with.
  • the pictures came out great!
  • i need one of these for my house.
  • maybe i could talk them into getting one at work.
  • i wonder if they have any of those potato puffs left.
  • they do! now hopefully she comes this way because i don’t want to lose my seat for the fashion show.
  • i need a recipe for these puffs. and the mini spring rolls while we’re at it.
  • show’s starting!
  • i hope the DJ is good.
  • the DJ is fantastic!
  • why do they always change the song in the middle of my jam?
  • i don’t care about today’s music! give me some 90’s dance tunes!
  • i don’t know how i feel about these dresses. is this a wedding or a quinceañera?
  • the bridesmaid options are nice.
  • that’s me – always the bridesmaid, never the…
  • don’t go there. it will happen. of course it will. it has to. please, God.
  • maybe i’ll sign up for match.com when i get home.
  • oh, cut it out. you’re lonely – not desperate.
  • ehh.. maybe a little desperate.
  • nope. definitely more lonely.
  • God, I sound bitter.
  • i’m not bitter, am i? nahh.
  • i wonder if the bar is still open. i could smell wine.
  • i don’t even like wine.
  • they’re bringing out the desserts.
  • BEST. COOKIE. EVER.
  • why don’t they have these things for single girls? on second thought, no. i don’t think it would work.
  • lights are on. time to go.
  • i wonder if there are any cookies left.
  • forget it. i’m going home.

 

Two single gals at a bridal expo!

Two single gals at a bridal expo! #photoboothfun

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And finally I thought I would include this song that I’ve been loving lately. It’s on topic because it’s a letter to her future husband. God love Meghan Trainor and her catchy tunes.

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