fairly recently i reactivated my bumble account. changed my pictures, acknowledged that i should change up the text portion but ultimately said screw it, and started swiping.
it took a while, but finally one stuck. i’ve been talking to him for just under two weeks. it’s been fun, sort of exciting, and frankly, a little frustrating. it’s not him. or, i don’t think it’s him. this post is not about him. it’s about the rules. the “don’t double text” and the “wait it out”, blah, blah, blah rules.
i don’t have much experience with all of this. there’s a part of me that gets mad that at 32 years old, i’m not used to any of it and part of me is so happy that i have avoided this bullshit for so long. it’s usually more of the latter, but i digress. because of this, i have turned to my friends and family for guidance. to my shock, horror and dismay, i have found out that this texting thing i have going on is all normal and progressing as it should.
here’s the thing – it doesn’t feel normal. or, i should say, the process doesn’t feel normal. how is it normal to want to get to know someone, but you have to wait the appropriate amount of time to text them? why are there rules for this? i mean, i get that you don’t want to look like a crazy person, but isn’t it better to get that out in the open from the beginning? it’s mind boggling to me.
taking all of this into consideration, i have decided that this is the cause of ghosting.
hear me out.
ok, so you meet someone. i don’t think it matters how (online vs. in person). you exchange numbers and start texting. from what i’m gathering, you’re not supposed to immediately answer. ok, so if you were face to face with someone and you said something to them and they just ignored you for anywhere from 15mins – 24ish hours, that’s acceptable? anyway, so you’re conversing, maybe you’ve had a date or two, and one of you gets busy and truly can’t answer right away. according to “the rules”, the other person shouldn’t shoot a quick text? maybe i’m just confused or annoyed by the whole song and dance, but how does that make sense? so now, neither one has sent a text and they each probably think the other isn’t interested and before you know it, they’re telling everyone they’ve been ghosted.
how is that accurate to the situation?
if you’re busy, you’re busy. it’s fine. but if you are really liking the person you were texting with, wouldn’t you find 30 seconds to say “work’s been crazy, i’ll speak to you soon”? that way they know they haven’t been forgotten but it may still be a while before you can get back to favorite colors and finding out how they take their coffee.
ghosting is just the easiest option. sure, the situation i’ve outlined above isn’t always the case. there are also the ones who are wishy washy about everything and get bored easily. those people are jerks. but you know what? maybe if the rules didn’t dictate that you had to play it cool and wait a while before answering or whatever, maybe people wouldn’t get so bored. personally, i get annoyed if you take too long to answer me. like, OH. was answering my quick ‘hey, what’s up?’ too much of a process for you? too much work?
we are all glued to our phones. don’t even try to deny it. you saw the message. you ignored the message. no one wants to re-text or text first. now you’re bored. what in the ADD is that? nonsense. that’s what it is.
i spend way too much time thinking about all of this. the game, the rules, am i playing it right? will i ever win?
i keep getting told to “have fun” and to “trust/enjoy the process” and to “be chill”. i could scream. i’ve never enjoyed this process; it makes my skin crawl. chill? i don’t know her. as far as having fun, first of all, what about any of this says “fun”? and two – everyone in my life is at a different point in theirs, which is great! love to see it. however, that doesn’t lend itself to quality fun time. can i go and do things by myself? of course. and that’s probably partly what they mean. however, your girl is an only child. meaning i’ve been having/making my own fun for literally my whole entire life. I’M FINE ALONE. hence the reason of me trying to find someone. if by “have fun” they mean go on dates, not settle, keep all of my options open – let me say this: i don’t know what options y’all think i(‘ve ever) ha(ve)d, but let me tell you, it was slim pickings. i don’t know how the my next statement is going to come out but here we go. i feel like i’m being told to have fun now because 1) i should be and 2) because in my 20’s, when i should have had my fun, i was much heavier and more insecure. this weight loss (here she goes AGAIN) has helped boost my confidence. i now have a weird mix of confidence, anxiety and a lack yet a boost of self consciousness. it’s wild.
have we forgotten that i haven’t been introduced to “chill” yet? also, juggling even two dates in one week will probably give me an asthma attack and i’m not even an asthmatic. AND THEN if i have a connection with both? i’m headed for a nervous breakdown. or a connection with neither? FIT ME FOR A STRAITJACKET.
i feel the anxiety coming on as we speak. if i don’t know how to do this (i don’t), don’t want to play this stupid game, don’t get out as much as i should/the way i’d like, how in the world am i going to find someone? how am i supposed to win a game that i don’t even want to play? AND! what if all of my ideas on love & courtship are warped and weird and this is just how it is? the way of the world. i get that it’s hard and it’s work and my life is not a not a nancy meyers movie, or made by disney. but is it supposed to be (feel) this hard? this is impossible! is it me? because people find love every day. why am i so different? and then, when/if it doesn’t work, they just find someone else. what!? how!? it takes me weeks, months (!) of swiping to find someone to answer my ice breaker. let alone have a decent conversation. forget about how long it would take for me to go up to someone in the wild. how many times i’d talk myself in and out of it. what’s the worst he could say, no? YES. THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING HE COULD SAY. that or some variation of it. um. excuse me, SIR. do you know how long i’ve anguished trying to think of something to say to you without coming off like a creep? and then how long it took me to grow the balls to go over to you and say that exact thing that doesn’t make me sound like a creep? and then try to keep up some sort of conversation with you so that, again, i’m not branded as a creep? only for you to, i don’t know, ignore me or dismiss me?
i could vomit.
in one breath i’m told by my well meaning friends and family “if they’re interested, they’ll make sure to see you, get in touch with you, make you a priority.” wow! sounds amazing and exciting! just what i wanted – to be ~*pursued*~. in the next breath i get “that’s just how they are/how it goes they’re in their own world.” let me get this straight. if they like me, they’ll text me but i shouldn’t expect a timely answer. and i shouldn’t expect him to text first, but also i shouldn’t text first either. i shouldn’t expect him to be engaging and ask me questions to get to know me, but i should have a list ready. got it. so, if he’s interested, what SHOULD i expect? nothing? wonderful. good to know. oh, and i shouldn’t get excited or get my hopes up because that will probably lead to disappointment and becoming discouraged. perfect. sounds good!
what’s so wrong with giving someone enough attention that it makes them feel good? makes them feel like this whole thing isn’t one sided? makes them feel like all of the worry and bullshit they put themselves through was worth it?
and please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, if (WHEN) i am eventually in a relationship, if become one of those people who are so GD blase about being single and smug about finally finding someone, if i ever give off the “sucks for you” vibe or if you ever get the idea that i’m forgetting where i came from – you have my permission to beat me up. i get that everyone has their own backstory and feelings and they try to share anecdotes to make others feel less alone (i don’t mean only about being single. this fits many situations.) but when you’re going through it, you don’t care about anyone else. YOU’RE hurting. YOU’RE frustrated. YOU feel like nothing’s ever going to change. i need to never forget that. it’s hard, for sure. like in a video game, once you’ve passed a level, especially one that was hard to beat, you never want to go back. just don’t forget what it took to get you there.
i’m spent and i have another full day of tossing all of this around my brain tomorrow so i best get to bed.
God, i hope this makes some kind of sense.
love you, mean it.