martina is losing it #23

It’s been over a month since I last updated. Cool. Totally on top of things over here.

Well, I hit the 80 pound mark.

That was last week. This week I gained 1.4 back. (edit: I re-weighed myself this morning, just in case it was a fluke. i was up AGAIN. so, i’m going to try my hardest to reign it in this week. is it time for a gym membership? oh please, God, no.)That was fun while it lasted. Aunt Flo was in town this week and with her here, my brain short circuits (in a lot of ways) and I just want to eat everything that’s not nailed down, but what’s worse is, for the most part, I let myself. Or, I’ll have a bite of everything and then not track it because it was “just a taste”. So, I blame her, but I’m not innocent here either.

I ordered some shorts for the impending warmer weather. When they came, I tried them on and was a little disappointed. I’m not sure if I am not used to the brand’s sizing or if I think I’m smaller than I am (typical) or what but they were tight. I could probably, if Brooklyn experienced a freak heatwave, wear them if I really had to, but I wasn’t comfortable. I’m not sending them back because they will fit eventually. YES. THEY. WILL.

As we all know, I’m single and ready to.. be in a relationship without having to mingle. Unfortunately and apparently, that’s not how it works 🙄. Being the only single one in my friend group and knowing my love life is the sore-est spot I have, I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to have to do a lot of things alone. Am I bitter about it? Yea, a l(ot)ittle. The fact is, although I know it’s all coming from a good place, I can’t hear the “you have to go out!” and “why don’t you do XYZ?” advice anymore. I feel myself getting angry, like REALLY angry, when I hear the “it will happen” platitudes. Oh really? Tell me. When? How? Because interest was low 80ish pounds ago and it doesn’t seem to be on the upswing now. 🤷‍♀️ Bitter? Jaded? Impatient? Sarcastic? Me?! NEVER. Again, I know it’s coming from a good place and is all well intentioned but MY. GOD. I can’t hear it anymore. Show me. Prove it.

Anyway, knowing I had to get off my couch and out of the house if I wanted to make a real attempt at finding someone to go back inside and sit on the couch with, I went to Google. I’m not into the bar scene. As a matter of fact, if he doesn’t drink at all, I’m significantly more attracted to him. I knew I needed to find places or events that interested me and preferably did not focus on alcohol. I Googled and really came up with nothing. It was mostly speed dating events or things that were family oriented, or things I just wasn’t in to. Finally, I found the New York Social Network. They hold all kinds of events all over the city and even some upstate. They were hosting a Central Park Sunset tour, which was billed as a non-tourist tour. SOLD. I signed up and hoped for the best.

Why am I talking about tours and my (abysmal) love life in my weight loss update post instead of making it it’s own? I’m getting there. Think of it as a two-for-one deal.

I had asked the tour guide in advance what the breakdown of the group was, even though I was aware that this was not a matchmaking event. He said it was 60% female. Great. So, I already went in knowing my chances were slim. Listen, I know part of meeting THAT someone is also meeting other people, but I’m not here to make friends. It would be nice to have someone to do things with that my other friends don’t want to do but I’m terrible at small talk (because it is the work of the devil) and feel very awkward because of it. I won’t ever (intentionally) be rude, but I just don’t like that feeling of OH GOD. NOW WHAT DO I SAY. YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT. ABORT MISSION. ALSO, YOUR ACCENT IS GRATING.

I’m a gem.

After work, I hopped on the train and headed uptown to one of my favorite areas of the park, 82nd Street and Central Park West. I say this breezily, like it’s commonplace to find me on the train, just jaunting into the city. It’s not. I don’t like doing it alone, but… you know what, let’s leave it at that.

Should I just fast forward to my point? Because I’m annoying myself here. Fine. Long story short, I find the meeting place, the group comes together and the tour starts. Immediately, I notice that I’m not attracted to anyone, friendship or otherwise. That sounds terrible. Maybe I really am garbage. Don’t get me wrong – they were all lovely people and maybe I could have made more of an effort but I was a little too far out of my comfort zone. I really have to work on this because I could tell I was putting out those “I don’t want to talk” vibes, which was far from true but I was too in my own head to strike up conversation. Par for the course.

Central Park was built on rocks and hills. They’ve made steps and paths, but when the park was built, they didn’t/couldn’t level it. I knew this and have experienced it, but when you’re on your own time, you find a different path or just avoid a specific area. We were up and down hills, some really steep, up and down those steps that aren’t even and are too shallow to walk like a staircase but are still steps that could crack your ankle if you’re not paying attention. There was one point that the guide told us that we we’re going “off road” and up a steep hill of dirt we went.

AND I KEPT UP.

That’s my point. I kept up.

Was I winded? Yea, I’ve lost 80 pounds without stepping foot in a gym. I’m lighter, but I’m not in shape. Did I sweat? Yea, a little. The weather was perfect and I didn’t need a jacket but I brought one anyway so that could have been it. Was I miserable? Nope. I could have worn better shoes, but I say that daily. Other than “Jesus, Martina talk to someone” all I kept thinking was “I’m doing it. I couldn’t do this 80 pounds ago.” Even last year at this time, I had already started to lose weight, but not enough to make me not want to die at the top of the first hill.

Am I glad I went? Yea. Would I go again? Maybe not to that specific tour, but I’d try another event from them in the future. Maybe something where I’m forced to talk, like a trivia night or something.

Ok, I’m starting down the barrel of a 3 day weekend and there’s a rumor that if we finish doing what we need to get done, we could leave early. So it’s back to invoicing for me.

See you next time!

Happy Memorial Day! Thank you to those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Love you, mean it.