martina is losing it #17

When we last spoke, I said that I was 1.9 pounds away from 60 pounds down. That Thursweigh, I lost 3.3 pounds, making my total amount lost 61.4. The following week, I had a teeny tiny gain (.2lbs), but still leaving me in the 61 range. As of my last weigh in, which was a tiny loss, I’m down 61.9 pounds. If any of this math doesn’t add up, blame WW, because it’s what the app is telling me. Math is not my strong suit.

Either way, 61.9 pounds! Still seems impossible, but I’m not here today for the shock and awe of myself. I live it everyday. 

We have NSVs to talk about, friends. Lots of them. 

I went to a holiday potluck last week. I was laxed again in my eating and allowed 2 mozzarella sticks, 2 garlic knots plus the main course. It was a mental minefield because even though I indulged on Saturday, I walked over 10,000 steps Christmas shopping on Friday. I hoped it would help to cancel out the potluck and that I’d have one of those surprise 3-pound losses. I also made sure to drink more water, because water fixes everything. In the end, I lost .7 pounds. I was a little disappointed, but I also know that I ate things that I didn’t want to know the points value for. So, I’ll call it a win. 

“Um. that wasn’t an NSV. What’s going on here?” – you, probably. 

Well, No Patience Nelly, to that potluck I wore a full sequin cardigan. On the inside, full Mr. Rogers. On the outside, full Elton John. I also wore “leather” leggings. I felt a little self conscience about the sequiny-ness of the cardigan, but I got over it real quick. 

Just to be clear, I would have worn this 60 pounds ago but, I don’t know, there’s something about not being 60 pounds heavier and wearing a full sequin cardigan. I feel like, and maybe this won’t make sense outside of my head, this is an outfit, a lewk, if you will. But 60 pounds ago, it would have come off as me trying too hard. Or something. I’m not sure. I did have something else to say but my mush brain can’t handle more than one thing at a time. I’m splitting my attention between this and Netflix and I had a thought in my head, looked up to see the TV and lost it. Also, sometimes, I’m an idiot.

I went shopping with Nicole (notice I didn’t say Christmas shopping. I am extremely behind, yet everything I purchased was for myself, so it’s just shopping) We were in Old Navy and I saw a few tee shirts that I liked. Old Navy only offers plus sizes online so I was making mental notes to go online when I got home. For funsies, I grabbed an XXL and held it up to myself and asked Nicole what she thought. After gathering 6 shirts, I finally conceded and found the dressing room. THEY. ALL. FIT. WITH. ROOM. Now, I know Old Navy runs a little big, but HELLOOOOO XXL is a STRAIGHT SIZE. They’re all short sleeved, but the sleeves are long enough to cover my arms, which I totally appreciate and was not expecting. I bought all 6 of them and don’t even care if Old Navy is passe (ok, a little. I care a little. but they were $6 each, what was I supposed to do, leave them there?)

I wore a belt two times last week. FOR FUNCTION, NOT STYLE. I need jeans desperately but since Christmas is coming and I’m waiting to see if Santa brings some gift cards and Torrid Haute Cash doesn’t start until January, I’m making do. Early on in this journey, I bought a pair of jeans from Walmart’s new plus size house brand, Terra and Sky. Everything I’ve tried from them has been a hit, but everything has a tag on it saying they’re sized generously. I’m not 100% sure what that means. Like, if I buy a size 20, is it really a 21? A 20.5? I’m a little confused. Those jeans now are falling off and baggy everywhere. I don’t want to wear them much anymore, but I can’t go to work in my underwear, no matter how casual of a workplace we have. Belts, psssh, who am I?

If you follow me on social media (mainly Instagram and Facebook) you would have probably already seen my post about finding a picture from the beginning of the year vs. now and how this is the first time in my life I would even entertain doing something like that. I cannot believe how many likes and comments I’ve gotten on those posts. When I changed my work information on Facebook last year, I got maybe 5 likes. On this, I got over 70. floored. 

 I know I keep saying I need new clothes and for the most part, I do. I have been filling in here and there and treating myself to things that wouldn’t have worked so well 60 pounds ago. I’m finding it difficult to wear any of it though because, and this is 100% honesty, I know I won’t be photographed in it. I don’t want to waste good outfits. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, I don’t go out much and it’s hard to justify wearing a tutu to Target. I don’t need to dress up for work and it’s not like we’re taking selfies and group pictures all day. i wish. So, my options are to either stop buying things, take a daily picture before going to work, step up my weekend wardrobe and/ or my social life. why is the universe against me?

Speaking of buying things, this is becoming a real problem. If it’s not clothes, it’s makeup or Enlightened ice cream. I was reading a quick novella so that I could meet my Goodreads goal this year, and it was about a woman who signs up for “Fat Club”, which is supposed to be like a Weight Watchers type of deal. Anyway, the group leader asks how she’s doing and she says she’s doing well. The leader then asked her if she noticed herself doing something else in excess, like shopping, to fill “the void”. She said no, but I was like…

Before I let you go, quick question. I have basically all but given up on the swiping. I’ll do it every so often if I have nothing better to do. I am at a point now where I would rather meet someone organically rather than online. I’m not against online, it’s just obviously not working. It’s embarrassing. I just wish I had more interaction from it. Anyway, I was toying around with the idea of mentioning my weight loss/ losing weight in my profile. I try to keep on top of my pictures so they’re all pretty current, except for one but I think it’s a fun one so I decided to leave it. I don’t want unsolicited advice/mansplaining, nor do I want gym rats forcing me to… gym? I’m also kind of nervous about chubby chasers, although I didn’t get too, too many of them 60 pounds ago so I’m not sure why I think they’d appear when I’m losing weight. There’s a lot for me to overthink about. Maybe it doesn’t really matter because the way Bumble is set up, they would have to actually look at my profile to see if I’ve written anything and if my main picture doesn’t grab their interest, then they aren’t going to look at my full profile and they’re left swiping. What do you think? Save it for eventual small talk, or put it out there from now? I think what’s tying me up is that although it matters, it doesn’t matter. If we plan to meet for drinks, I could get a seltzer. Food could always be worked around. Hopefully he’s worth the points.

Ok, now that I’ve talked longer about my dating profile then about the fact that I bought SIX STRAIGHT SIZED shirts, I’m going to go now. 

Love you, mean it.

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