martina is losing it #12

I have some good news and I have some “bad” news. The good news is that I lost another 1.1 lbs this week, which makes my total lost 47.6 lbs. So that’s good. The “bad” news is that I didn’t make it into the next decade. I’m so close that I would bet if I weighed myself tomorrow morning, I’d hit it. But I don’t want to make myself crazy so next week it is.

Getting that bit of housekeeping out of the way, now we can get down to business here.

When I bought the dress that I would eventually wear for my cousin’s wedding, the lady who measured me told me that according to my measurements, I was sizing out of the biggest size the designer offered and that I may have to order extra fabric. Ok, whatever. At that point, I had a little less than a year to lose weight, get myself together and my biggest worry would be that I had lost so much weight that the dress would be way too big. Fast forward to like 6ish? weeks before the wedding. My cousin (not the bride, if it matters. I’m trying to set the scene here) my aunt, my mom and I went to pick up the dresses. I was really stressing out. The last thing I wanted to do was buy more fabric. I spent enough on the dress already. And the VERY last thing I wanted was for the dress to be too small and there would be nothing I could do about it. I went into the dressing room and slipped the dress on and said a quick prayer while my mom zipped me up. I got it on. It was tight, but nothing I couldn’t handle. *for reference- this is coming from someone who wore a dress/Spanx so tight to a Sweet 16 that I looked like a board of plywood in the back of the car.* I didn’t need extra fabric. The top was big, but that’s normal for me. The girl in the fitting room recommended Columbian shapewear, which I immediately Googled and decided against.

I got the top fixed and asked the seamstress if she could either take the dress out a hair or if she could throw some elastic in there somewhere so I wouldn’t have to choose between breathing and eating. She told me the dress didn’t need to be taken out/elastic (that was AFTER my underarm fat got nipped in the zipper, but I digress) At that point, the dress zipped, didn’t look terrible and the wedding was about 3 weeks away so I conceded.

The wedding day came, I had two aunts and a cousin zip me up (no underarm fat nipping!), and all day I counted down the minutes until I would be able to rip the dress off.

When I first started Weight Watchers, maybe 3 weeks in, Nicole said to me “You should put Jill’s bridesmaid dress on.” I was ready to do this at 25 pounds down but, you know, life happens. So now, here we are almost a year later (their anniversary is on Sunday!) and I finally put the dress on. And then had a photo shoot, of course.

First, let me remind you what the dress looked like last year and 47.6 pounds ago.

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Notice how it bunches up under my bustline. Now, here’s how it was supposed to look.

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It’s like a totally different dress, no?

Notice how there’s a full band under my bust now? Yea. Also, did I try to recreate my makeup lewk? you bet I did.

For your (and my and Instagram’s) viewing pleasure, I put together some side by sides.

I asked my cousin to send me some pictures from that day that the photographer took because I’d be in a semi-natural element. That, and so that I had more to offer than better than 2008 but still kind of shitty cellphone pictures. I showed Nicole what Jill sent over and to that last one, she exclaimed “Martina! OMG look at that! You look pregnant in this one!” cuuuute.

So, Jill, if you’re reading this, please DO NOT display the picture of the girls ripping open the boy’s shirts in your house unless you have the photographer replace old me with new me. Thanks!

Like I say in every post lately, still don’t see a change in my face. Well, specifically my chin. I see it a little bit in my cheeks. When I first put the dress back on, I was a little disappointed in the fact that it fit. It was big on top again and because I have a lot less stomach to cover, it was longer, but I wasn’t swimming in it like I expected. It makes me laugh to think that I kept saying 5 pounds will fix this, and yet, I’m almost 50 pounds down and after trying it on again, I don’t think I’d have them order a size down even though the dress is about 6-8 sizes up from my current pants size. i hate bridal sizing.

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I have two more bridesmaid dresses I want to try on. Both of them fit fine/comfortably when I originally wore them… or so I thought. It will be interesting to see how they fall now. I know that I had to overly pad my bra to get one of them to look right in the chest and now that I’ve lost at least 40 pounds of boob, I’m sure I’ll need to throw some floaties in there because I’ll be swimming.

Another quick thing I wanted to talk about was BMI. My BMI is something I try to avoid. It’s one of those things that makes my weight real. You know? Like, I’ve lived in this body for 31 years. I know this body is bigger than it should be, and I’m overly aware yet totally unaware of that fact. When BMI comes into play, it’s like a definitive “HOW DARE YOU BE THIS BIG (FAT).” Honestly, at the heart of it, I hate the word “obese” and BMI dictates who is and who isn’t. I don’t like it in the same way some people don’t like the word “moist” and I also don’t like it because it is used so meanly. To me, it has such a negative connotation and I just don’t need it around me. All of that to say, since I avoid my BMI like the plague, it never occurred to me to keep track of it. Today, whoever is surveilling my Google searches sent me an ad for a BMI calculator so I said, “they’re just doing their job, let me click the ad and give them the 10cent commission”

I decided to compare from my starting weight to today’s weight. I entered my stats and found that my starting weight BMI was 54.6, which classified me as “super morbidly obese.” I entered my stats for today and I’m down to 45.8 and only “morbidly obese”. That’s an 8.8 BMI difference. I assume that’s good. I wanted to see if my primary goal weight and + my height would get me out of obesity. Nope. Neither would my secondary or tertiary (which I’m not even sure if I want to go that low but again, I digress) goal weights. I would need to be 135 pounds to be considered normal and even then it’s just under the obese level.

ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS?

That’s rude and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. I’m a half pound away from a new decade, which I said in my last post, was one that I can’t remember ever being in. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the last time I was 135 pounds. It was 100% not in the last 13 years. I only know that because I did WW before prom 13 years ago and I could almost still see my booklet and the numbers were far from 135. Not as far as I am now, but still far.

Ok, I’ve rambled enough, I think.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. (you can have your ticket refunded on your way out.)

Love you, mean it.

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