martina is losing it #5

With another Thursweigh on the horizon, I thought I should come on here and quickly update on last week’s results.

As of last week, I’m down 29.5 pounds!

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This week, I cheated and hopped on the scale. I don’t really like to do that because if the number is higher, then I’ll stress until Thursday and be all mopey about it. I mope about enough; I’m over the weight mope. Anyway, I hopped on the scale and gained a pound and a half. There were alot of factors to this though. 1) I usually weigh in first thing in the morning. It was already after dinner when I hopped on. 2) I had a few days of eating out. I tried to make the best decisions I could and I tracked everything though. 3) I had to poop, quite frankly. 4) It was Aunt Flo’s third day of her visit, which is usually my worst day.

The next morning (still not Thursday), after I did my business, I hopped back on the scale and the number was a half a pound less than last Thursday. So, for the math whizzes out there, I had lost the whole pound and a half I thought I had gained but also lost another half a pound. Taking all of this into consideration, if I either stay the same as that number on Thursday, that means I will have lost 30 pounds.

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That’s UHH…LOT. My next weigh in is two days before my 31st birthday, so I’m hoping that I get to 31 for 31.

Some quick realizations for the week:

  • i cannot take a compliment. like, at all. i get weird and awkward and kind of annoyed. i appreciate them and want them, but they are getting impossible to take.
  • i’m losing points. i don’t know why i just realized that as my weight goes down, so will my points. not just my dailies, but my weeklies too.
  • my hair and skin are really dry. my cheeks are like sandpaper. my scalp is still pretty oily, but the length of my hair is like hay. i think it’s because i’m not eating as much fat, so whatever oil i do have, isn’t going as far. how do i fix/help this without adding too much fat back into my diet?

This week so far has been kind of rough. Aunt Flo is packing up to leave, but she’s leaving a (hormonal) mess in her wake. Social media has become a little too much with everyone’s everythings. The dating apps, I’ve decided, will be the thing that has me institutionalized. I was going to write a separate post about this, but the wave of emotions has started to recede and I’m here now, so let’s just do it.

I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I guess it’s nothing new, but with Aunt Flo in town, and social media and the Bumble doing what they do, it’s been affecting me worse this week than usual. To be clear, I know I’m not alone, but I’m really really lonely. ya know? 

As proud as I am of myself for starting this journey and for coming so far in a relatively short time, I feel like it’s not enough. Like, yea I’m navigating a new way of eating and looking at food. I’m dealing with my body changing, whether I’m seeing it (all the time) or not. But, at the end of the day, the act of losing weight is not asking me how my day was. The act of losing weight isn’t buying me flowers for no reason. The act of losing weight isn’t holding my hand while we go for a walk or a drive. The act of losing weight isn’t laughing at my dumb jokes.

You get where I’m going with this, right?

I feel like even though I have a great support system, there’s no one extra special to celebrate this whole shebang with. Seeing the look on my mom’s face every Thursday morning when I tell her I’ve lost again this week is great, but she’s my mom. She supposed to be happy for/ proud of me. My family and friends should be happy for/proud of me. I feel like at the end of the day, I could lose 693863 pounds, hit goal, become lifetime, never see those pounds again and be happy and proud of myself, what do I really have to show for it? New clothes? A better sense of portion control? More self- confidence? Don’t get me wrong, those things are amazing to have and they’re not to be minimized, but they aren’t the only things I want.

I want love and romance and the big things and the little things. I want kids and a house and my own family. I want someone to share my secrets with, to laugh and cry with. I want to be the blushing bride and the glowing mom to be. (please don’t try to tell me it doesn’t matter how old you are when you get married; that it will be special at any age. of course it will be special, but there comes a point where, in my opinion, you have to tone it down and be age appropriate. i don’t want to get to that point.)

You know what, it’s getting late and I think I should just end it here before I embarrass myself and dig an even bigger hole.

Thanks for coming down this rabbithole with me. If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s probably because I’ve died of embarrassment.

It’s been real.

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