single gal speaks: don’t PMS & Bumble

I’ve been trying to write this for about two weeks now but I don’t know what to really say. Unlike my last post, where I didn’t know how to start it because I was so excited I just wanted to word vomit all over the screen, this one is a lot more personal.

Ok, I’m being dramatic. It’s about online dating surprise! My biggest issue with writing this post is that I’ve talked about it here before and I’m sure I will again and as much as I want this one to be THE one, I know I’m going to wind up sounding like a broken record. However, I know myself and to get over things, I need to find someone to dissect the situation with, overthink it on my own and then, if I’m still not 100%, I need to write about it. I was going to keep it to myself and write in a journal but since the journal won’t give me the opportunity to get the public at large’s thoughts on the topic, I figured I’d put it right here.

I’ve written almost 200 words and still haven’t gotten to any point. Excellent blogger. Much talent.

I was going to chronical how I signed up (paid real dollars) for match.com and how well that went.

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it didn’t, in case you were wondering.

My favorite experiences on Match were when I figured out that there was no way of telling who was a paid member vs a non-paying member so there was a chance my well-crafted message was being sent into a dark void because non-paying members can’t respond to messages. Unless you want to pay $10 a month more to give them that option. ummm.. no. (that’s a whole ‘nother ranty post.) Also, when I messaged a guy who immediately told me he JUST decided that he was done with dating and was going to get rid of the app. I got him to talk for a little while, thinking this was fate. The topic of sex came up and I adamantly said I wasn’t looking for a hit it and quit it deal and he told me that I seemed to get angry easily and he was going to cut the convo right there because, again, he decided he didn’t want to use the app/date right now. Spoiler alert: HE HAS BEEN “ONLINE” EVERY TIME I OPEN THE APP BECAUSE HE, OF COURSE, STILL COMES UP IN MY MATCHES. Dude, just say you aren’t interested. It’s so much more respectable.

Anyway, about two weeks ago, in a fit of literally the worst PMS I’ve ever experienced, I dove right into Bumble. I like Bumble. I like the pro-woman ideals they promote. I don’t mind having to make the first move, because I’ve always made the first move (online. not that i’m hitting on/getting hit on IRL). I like the whole “bees in the hive” thing. Makes me feel like Beyonce, no matter how overrated I think she is.

Bumble, in case you’re new here, is like Tinder where you swipe right for yes, left for no and they’ll let you know if you make a match. If/when a match is made, you have 24 hours to send them a message. Then they have 24 hours to respond. Unless you want to pay (again, real dollars) to extend the match. If your message isn’t answered or if you don’t pay, the match expires and I assume both of your profiles go back in the pool for a chance to do this whole dance all over again.

It’s totally fun and not stressful at all. Great for people with low key anxiety and low self-esteem, who often feel like a bother. 10/10 recommend.

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So, with hormones raging harder than a guido on Memorial Day Weekend down the shore, I started swiping. Admittedly, I left swiped more than I right swiped. Probably not the best way to go about this, but online dating is primarily based off looks. Some guys I simply wasn’t attracted to. Some guys I swiped left on because I felt they wouldn’t swipe right on me and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I’m picky, but I think it’s more of a defense mechanism. I’m trying to shield myself from the inevitable hurt of being ignored or friendzoned (bleh.) or whatever. I’m more sensitive than I let on. See, this is why it’s been so hard for me to write this out. I’ve said this all before and I’m sure I’ll say it all again. woe is me, woe is me.

I made a few matches and sent a few well thought out messages and then sat back to wait for the responses to flood in.

except they didn’t.

not a one.

I watched each match expire, hour by hour. Which, let me tell you, is excruciating.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I matched with this really cute guy who had a beard (yes!) and sleeves of tattoos (yaaaasssss). I sent him a message and again watched the clock countdown.

I snapped.

I sent another message.

Then another.

I gave up after that but the damage was done. I my hormones had sent this poor guy three messages.

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It took two long bitch sessions with Nicole, a small one with my cousin, and a lot of overthinking to feel normal again. By now my hormones were starting to subside so my head was a little clearer, but not enough to not feel like shit about the whole sitch.

So I did what any normal person with their head screwed on straight would do. I DMed Bumble. when i said the worst case of PMS I’ve ever experienced, I meant the WORST.

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I deleted the app.

(i gave myself a few days off and have now decided to re-start my account. the torture continues)

Frankly not the answer I was hoping for. I mean, I don’t know what I would have wanted them to say, but still not what I wanted to hear. Obviously, I know there’s nothing wrong with my account. And I meant it when I said I understand that no one is everyone’s cup of tea and that people change their minds, but I also feel like you know what you’re signing up for with this kind of dating app. Don’t just swipe right to see what you get. I guess that’s the guy hack to Bumble, because God forbid they don’t have some sort of control. And yet, I still feel guilty for being picky.

I know there are things I need to work on in regards to dating, online or otherwise. We know I’m picky selective. I also jump every gun there is. If he has a coherent profile and I’m physically atteacted, I’m already imagining our first dance at our wedding. I have to keep reminding myself that “it’s just a date” or really, it’s just a message that probably won’t get answered.

It’s like I said to Nicole (and hopefully this makes sense, contextually and otherwise. I just wanted to have it recorded somewhere because we had a good giggle over it)

I’ve always had good taste in men, I just can’t figure out how to sample them.

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