Hi friends! Long time no speak. That’s what I get for tooting my own horn about posting three times in one week. I’m here today with a post that’s been a long time coming (long time= about a week). I just didn’t know how to start it, what to say in it or what direction to go in. I’m still a little unsure, which is why I’m going to write it and post it, even if it’s still the weekend and I don’t like to post on the weekend. I’m not one to show my vulnerable side, on the internet or in real life, but here we are.
Remember how in on of my recent posts I talked about the universe sending me signs and then not following up on them? Particularly about my love life? Yea, well it’s been really getting to me lately. Like, really dragging me down.
Sometimes I feel like finding love is just not in my cards. I mean, I guess every single 29-year-old girl who has been to weddings of two of her oldest friends exactly two months apart from each other, one of which she officiated, and who is gearing up for her younger cousin’s wedding next year feels this way, right? Naturally. I just feel like no matter what I do I come up empty. I know they say that it will come when I least expect it. Let me say right now, my expectations are so low I should be beating the boys off with a stick. The reality is, I’d probably have to change my name to something like Football to get a guy to even look my way.
I’m not even being dramatic.
Ok, maybe a little.(not really). But I know my reality. I know what I bring to the table and I’m still sitting alone. Normally I’m OK with it; I enjoy sitting alone, but lately it’s getting old when I see my table full of nice things, yet have no one to share them with. Or worse,to be at a table for one in a room full of tables for two.
I was talking about this with my cousin recently and she said to me, “you know, everybody says how hard guys are to understand. They aren’t. If they’re interested, they’ll go for it. If they aren’t, they won’t. Simple as that.” OK, but what you’re telling me is that no guy has been interested in me enough to make a move. I know she didn’t mean it this way, but, in my sad, irrational at the moment brain, that’s how I’m taking it.
I just don’t get it. I’m not saying I’m perfect (faaaar from it) but I know my good points and I don’t understand why I can’t get anyone to care enough to want to get to know them too. I have my hang-ups, like everyone else. My biggest one is probably my body. That’s a whole post that will probably never get written. Case in point – I changed my profile picture on Facebook on Friday. Currently, it is one of my most liked photos on Facebook, sitting pretty at 30 likes, 2 loves and about 5 comments. All of those likes, loves and comments were from women except for two. One was from my very gay (and faaaabuloussss!) makeup artist friend and the other was from a very married man. So, either most of the men on my Facebook are secretly smitten with me and are too shy to hit the like or comment button, or all of the women who liked it are just blowing hot air up my skirt. Again, I know my head is not in the right, rational place lately but still.
I’m casually using a dating website. I go on, check my messages, look through my matches, maybe send out a “trying not to be a creep but totally coming off as one because flirting is hard for me” kind of message, and then signing off. And yes, I do make the first move on these sites. Why? Because if I didn’t all I’d get are messages from guys that I’m not at all interested in. Is it so much to ask that if you message me, your profile is filled out with some sort of thought behind it? Maybe has correct spelling and grammar? i know, i’m a monster.
I know in order to meet people you have to put yourself out there but I feel like, although I’m not a hermit, the bar scene is not my scene. I want to join in on things that I’m interested in but I feel like I have no time. Yet in actuality, I’m sure I can find the time. I’m also extremely shy when I’m around new people so that’s a problem. Especially since I’d want to fly solo and not drag a friend along. My friends are supportive in what I like to do but they aren’t passionate in my passions the way I am. does this even make sense? shoot me.
I don’t know where this post is going because I have so much more to say but I don’t know how to articulate it because it’s getting late (#weekendjobproblems) I’m getting kind embarrassed so I’ll end it here. Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. Thanks to those who stuck it out. I’m sure I’ll be back to my normal self soon enough. I’ve already got my eye on some surveys that I’d like to fill out. See? I’m already on the rebound.
I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. How do you get over/through it?
Thanks again (so much!)