that time i

that time i officiated my best friend’s wedding

In my last post I mentioned the promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year to start saying yes to things that I might normally shy away from. One of these things, and a big one, might I add, was officiating at my friend Jessica’s wedding.

Jessica and I have been friends since I threw up on her lunch in kindergarten. I offered her half of my sandwich as a peace offering and a friendship was born. We spoke about me officiating over dinner one night with our moms. Everyone thought it was a great idea since I’m a good writer and I don’t cry. I wasn’t sold on the idea because, honestly, it was a lot of pressure. After a few months of mulling it over, I finally accepted the task when Jessica called me and said “Do you want to marry us or not? It’s OK if you don’t, just let me know so I could find someone else.” Marlon Brando should take note- now that’s an offer you can’t refuse.

After lollygagging for another few weeks, I went online and got ordained. The process was so simple – almost too simple and since Jess and her fiance, Chris weren’t getting married in any of the 5 boroughs of NYC, I was good to go with just being ordained. (note: each state is different. in some states, the officiant needs to be registered. if you are performing a ceremony, check with your city clerk’s office beforehand to make sure you’re good to go.) 

Finally, after what felt like forever, July 1st had rolled around. The ceremony was supposed to be outside, but with tornado warnings were popping up on everyone’s phones and the skies opening not 15 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start, the festivities were moved indoors. This did not bode well with the bride and after seeing her so upset, my usual unwavering ability to keep it together was fading fast. I was worried that if I started to cry, I wouldn’t be able to stop, therefore ruining both my street cred and my ceremony. I thought I’d be shaking with nerves, but walking down the aisle and standing in place behind the microphone, I was oddly calm. The ceremony took what felt like no time and before I knew it I was walking back down the aisle. Like a boss.

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The rest of this post will be a photo dump, as God intended it to be.

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The bride and 3/8ths of her bridesmaids. I was running around on self proclaimed documenting duty.

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hair and makeup done by the Glam Squad, or as I call them, the Dream Team, Joe and Jody of Concept Elite in Brooklyn.

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The photographer hasn’t given his pictures to Jessica yet, but as soon as he does and I can steal them, I’ll share them here. Or on Instagram. They’ll be somewhere, that’s for sure.

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last stop before thirty

Today is my 29th birthday. yikes.

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I only have one more of these left until 30, which is mind blowing to me. Thirty years is a long time. Like last year, I feel like I should be able to put together a touching, thought provoking post about being in the last year of my twenties. But I got nothing. Not even a listicle of things I’m younger than to make myself feel better.

I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I would start to say yes to things that I might have said no to. Interestingly enough, I haven’t written about any of them yet, but rest assured that I have stepped out of my comfort zone a few times and that I will write about some of those steps soon. Maybe even in my next post. #hint. 

I can’t wait to see what the next year throws at me. I know what I hope it throws at me – and that’s a chance meeting with Harry Styles where we fall madly in love. Or maybe a few Sephora gift cards. Whichever.

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kardashian

living like a kardashian

I’m going to put something out there and I need you guys not to judge me.

I’ve gotten hooked on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

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I know. I KNOW. But honestly, I did some quick math as to when they would have filmed, and I thought there was a possibility of Harry making an appearance since he and Kendall were a thing. So far, no luck. Not even a mention of the yacht trip. I’m still holding out hope. Then again, I’ve never been that great at math.

The up-side to my new time killer is that it got me to thinking. I’ve written about what I’d do if I won the lotto a while ago. Although I still love and stand by my answers, I feel like the lotto is a bit of a hassle; too much pressure. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say no thank you to a Powerball win. As I have gotten deeper into the lives of Kim and klan, I keep thinking to myself, one – why are you still watching this? and two – how can I live like a Kardashian? Unlike lotto winnings that can run out, Kardashian money just keeps coming. I’ve said before and I’ll say again – I know they work hard. I could never be ON all the time. Also, Kendall is a legitimate model. Anyway, they just seem to have a constant flood of money. Like when Kendall was away for work and was feeling left out when she came home so the other girls planned a sleepover/girls night and had their faces put on to sticks. What the heck is Kendall going to do with them afterward? It just seems like a waste all around. Basically, I want to be able to buy/do stupid things with my money and not regret or worry about it.

Getting back on track – when I was little and got a little out of control with the pointing at the TV and screaming “I WANT THAT!” at almost every toy commercial, my parents would tell me that the money tree in the backyard hadn’t bloomed yet. Well, now I’m going to pretend that the undying money tree has bloomed and I now have the ability to live like a Kardashian, without the pesky lottery commission taking out taxes and without having the hassle of filming a sex tape for my mom to sell.

She-Shed: I was flipping through the channels the other day and I came across a show called “He Shed/ She Shed”. It’s pretty self-explanatory. Two designers. One puts together a shed oasis for a woman and the other does one for a man. There’s no winner or loser. Immediately I thought about how great it would be to plop one of those in my backyard, wire it with the essentials – electricity, internet, carve out a small corner for a toilet and maybe a small sink (because, #convienience) and live there. I realize it would be easier and probably more self-sufficient to just use the money to buy my own place, but I’ve always wanted one of these bad boys so even with my own home, I’d still get one. Like a staycation home. It would be like living in a Diane Keaton movie, only less menswear.  I would need the money tree because I get bored pretty easily and I would need to redecorate often. And those things aren’t cheap. But who can put a price on paradise?

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Pedro Garcia Idana flats – First I would need a foot transplant because my feet are too flat and too wide for these beauties. They hurt just looking at them. But tell me these aren’t the most summery shoes you’ve ever seen. They totally are. Also perfect for summer brides or brides doing the destination thang and getting married on a beach. Having horrible feet and not being a bride, I’ll have to sit these out, but I’ll think of them always. the shoes that got away.

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Flowers – EVERYWHERE. I absolutely love fresh flowers. Big bouquets, small ones. Wildflowers, captive flowers. I would have a florist on call. Maybe set up weekly deliveries. Then, when I get old and senile, I’ll think I have a secret admirer who sends flowers all the time. Right now, I’m my own paramour and treat myself to bodega bouquets pretty regularly. Still, not as exciting as weekly deliveries and not so secret admirers.

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Sunglasses- I’m going thorugh a sunglass phase in my life. I can’t get enough. I would love to be able to buy any pair I want with no remorse. I was wondering through Macy’s recently and I fell in love with this pair from Michael Kors. I tried them on and as the sales girl came over to see if I needed anything, I looked up and she said “Ohh yes. Those are so you!” Sales tactic or not, I need these glasses now. (I mean, my birthday is less than two weeks away.. #hint.) I also heard RayBan has come out with a pair that has really dark lenses. This may not be a new thing. I live for dark lenses. The better to hide my side-eye with, my dear.

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Gel manicures – In the scheme of things, this is probably the one thing that I wouldn’t need a money tree for, but I figured I’d add it because I don’t always make time to go. I just got a gel mani for a wedding (that I will write about in detail soon!) but not 5 days after I got the manicure, one nail is chipped and two more are lifting. NOT COOL. Aren’t these things supposed to survive nuclear war?

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BRB, going to sprinkle some Miracle Gro on the money tree.

What would you do with unlimited funds?

Let’s discuss!

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i got your w(h)ine with dinner right here.

I’M HERE! I’M ALIVE!

I feel like I have to make that announcement every so often because I tend to neglect this space. So maybe my announcement should be

I’M HERE! I’M ALIVE! I’M A BAD BLOG MOM. (not momblog- def not one of those)

Truth is, life happened. I’ve got a few things going on (that I will tell you about eventually) and honestly, that back issue I’ve been having (I talked about it a few posts ago), hasn’t gone away. It got a little better, now today it’s like “I’m here! Ready to fuck shit up”.

Happy Monday.

Otherwise, I’ve been OK. A little blah but OK. It finally hit me that I’ll be 29 in about 2 weeks. And when I say hit I mean like a ton of bricks. 29 isn’t 30 and age ain’t nothing but a number, I know, but Christ. I’m almost three decades old. THREE.

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I don’t think it’s the number that’s bothering me, it’s that people my age and younger are doing things that I’m not. Getting engaged, married, impregnated, jobs with benefits. They’re traveling and buying houses. I’ve talked about this before and about the dirty mind games social media plays on you, but I’ve always been able to see it, process it and move on. This time I can’t seem to move on.

I know that I can also do all those things  but how am I going to do them with no opportunity? If I can’t get a date, how am I supposed to get engaged? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m going to marry every guy I see. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not holding out hope for a chance meeting with the love of my life. i watch way too many hallmark movies.

Same goes for traveling and buying things like a house. How am I supposed to do that if I don’t have the money? Last time I checked, my last name wasn’t Carnegie or Rockefeller. god, I wish.

My other gripe of the moment is The Mindy Project. I’m not feeling the second half of this season and it’s making me sad. It’s cool that she’s a single mom trying to date, but if you wanted her to still be a single girl about town, why did you make her a mom? Having Leo ties her to Danny, who has been noticeably absent most of the second half (other projects, indie films, blah, blah, blah), and forces her to be a little more mature and selfless. The reason I loved Dr. Lahiri is that she was totally self-centered and slightly immature. And call me a prude, but has being on Hulu made the show a bit more raunchy? Like, maybe more than necessary? I dunno. I love a good dirty joke and can out curse a sailor, but doesn’t it feel a bit forced? 

Do you ever get in to one of these funks? 

Let’s discuss!

 

i do love a mass collaboration

I hate that these usually follow tragedy and/or devastation but, boy, do I love a mass collaboration.

Also, when they make a Lifetime movie about me, I’m going to need Audra McDonald and Orfeh on the soundtrack. And Kristen Bell. You know what, everyone should just keep their calendars open.

100% of the proceeds from the download of this song will go to the GLBT Community Center of Central Florida. Download it from iTunes here!

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love always wins

Even though I start posts like this the same way, every time – I wasn’t going to comment on the shooting in Orlando. Not because I don’t care or I don’t want it on my blog; I just couldn’t formulate words about it. A few days passed and news reports came in and now all I can do is think about it. I decided it’s better to get my thoughts out of my brain because I’ll go crazy if I don’t.

  • They say it’s best to “not live in fear” and to carry on as best as possible. I agree with that, to a certain extent. Except for some reason this time feels different. This time I’m terrified. I’ve always been a bit neurotic (…you don’t say) and until whatever was bothering me was over, there was always a feeling of “uh oh” in the back of my head. I never let it consume me and force me to not do something and I feel lucky that I am able to ignore it enough to carry on. This time is different because for some reason, it feels so close to home. Maybe because when the victims left their homes that night, all they wanted to do was have a good time. To live life. Maybe it was hearing the story of Eddie, who sent his mom texts from the bathroom that he was going to die. I can’t imagine, nor do I want to, sending my mom a text telling her that this is it; that I don’t think I’m making it out alive.
  • Facebook can scream and talk in circles about having/not having gun control and the government all it wants. All I’m going to say is this: Someone with no military background should not have access to MILITARY GRADE automatic rifles. I don’t care how many permits they have, what they do for a living, how much money they paid, that they promised their firstborn child. There is no reason for it. ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON. Also, the second amendment was put into place to for landowners to protect their land against an attack, more specifically, if their slaves tried to start a revolt. It was a different time. Listen, I’m OK with people who know how to operate a gun, carrying a gun. I’m not 100% comfortable, but I won’t make an issue out of it. I know a lot of cops, retired and current, who carry their guns. The thing is that they also carry their permits, shields, whatever else they need that proves they are allowed to carry that gun. And none of them are strapping a rifle or semi-automatic anything to their back.

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  • I know I say it all the time, but it’s something I truly can’t understand. I was taught that you treat people with kindness and respect. You are not better than anyone else. You won’t agree with everyone’s thoughts and ideas and that’s fine but the same way they (should) allow you to think and feel and believe what you do, you should give them the same. I don’t understand how this is such a hard concept to grasp. Especially since once it was “OK” to hurt/ disrespect/ostracize people who are different, it hasn’t stopped. It’s so fucking tiring.
  • My heart goes out to the families/loved ones of the victims. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through right now. I can’t even think about the pain.
  • Have the bad guys never read a fairytale? Never tuned into one episode of One Upon a Time? Evil never wins. Hate never wins. Love conquers all. Good always triumphs. LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

On a happier note, and not really but sort of related, can we talk about the Tony’s? How perfect was James Corden? If he wasn’t already married…

#loveisloveisloveisloveislove

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Sorry, Jo-hoes

sorry, jo-hoes – thank you, joe jonas

This blog is all too familiar with my incessant whining about, let’s be real, everything. Especially about life in the plus size world. Except today, I’m not coming to you with a complaint, I’m here with a kudos! times, they are a changin’.

My go-to Jonas is Nick. Hands down, all day. However, Joe has crept up into my heart and made a little (Jo)nest. Recently he and his band, DNCE, released “Toothbrush”. A catchy tune about staying the night and not worrying about morning breath because daddy Joe’s got a place for your toothbrush. It’s not my most favorite song on the radio today, but if I were between 14 and 16, I probably would have risked the virus and downloaded it from Kazaa and burned it to a mix CD. the early 2000’s were a much simpler time. My excitement is much less about the song and 100% about the fact that Joe asked Ashley Graham to play his love interest.

WHHHAAATTT?? Thank you Joe Jonas!

Ashley Graham, if you don’t know, is one of the biggest (no pun intended) plus size models in the game today. She’s a beaut. SHE WAS ON THE COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, FOR CHRISTSAKE (*ahem* sorry).

In typical internet fashion, the haters came out in full force, screaming:

EW! He wouldn’t get with her in real life!

He’s too good for her!

She’s fat! And disgusting!

She’s unhealthy!

And so on.
sidenote: umm.. if she’s fat, then I want to be her kind of fat

Sorry, Jo-hoes, but you’re wrong. Joe didn’t seem to mind offering her his toothbrush after their wild night together. His hands didn’t seem to mind following her curves. He kept pursuing her so something must have kept him coming back. He didn’t look scared to have a pillow fight with her. I mean, really, listen to the words. He’s totally into her. Listen, I know it’s just a music video and the song is not about Ashley Graham specifically, but Joe and the band could have easily chosen someone like Karli Kloss, one of the Hadid girls, or some up and coming (straight size) model to star in the video. BUT HE (THEY) DIDN’T.

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And really, it isn’t just a music video. In a world where representation is becoming king, I don’t think I can adequately express how excited I am over this. Someone who looks like me (well…) can get paid to get a little touchy- touchy with a Jonas brother? And then strut her stuff down a runway? YES. Before you tell me to get a life and to stop being dramatic, you try being force fed the idea of Beyonce and Kim Kardashian being the “thicker girl’s” role model. They might not have thigh gaps and they might be able to balance champagne glasses on their ass, but the fact of the matter is, I look nothing like either of them. Ashley is on the smaller size of plus, but she is a legitimate plus size model, which works for me. That’s not to say that skinny girls don’t feel marginalized or made to feel like they aren’t good enough because that’s a whole other post, but you can’t tell me it’s normal to see someone like Ashley being picked to be the main love interest over a straight size person. amirite?

Imagine that – plus size people want to feel sexy! What a novel idea! They want to feel desired? Get out of town! People actually find them sexy and desirable and want to spend the night, and the next night (and so on) with them? STOP. IT. Because we all know that’s not allowed. Totally impossible.

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Anyway, thank you, again Joe and the powers that be who made this happen. Hopefully, there’s more where this came from!

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weekend update (1)

weekend update: food, friends and billy joel

It’s weekend recap time! Let’s pretend I do these almost every weekend instead of almost never. So, it was a lot of nothing/lot of everything kind of weekend. I mean, the usual.

Friday: Billy Joel has a residency at Madison Square Garden. He does one concert a month, which he said he would do until people stopped coming. like that will ever happen. I got tickets to the May show. I’m going to take a sharp left here and not ramble for a million hours about this concert. i’m going to try to, anyway. I’m going to take another left and just put it out there that I do not have tons of pictures to share from the show. gasp! Actually, I DO have a ton of pictures but they’re mostly blurry, colorful dots. My seat was close enough to watch but not close enough for decent pictures. If I wasn’t so nervous about it being confiscated, I would have brought my new mirrorless camera. It’s for the best because if I did, the whole post would have been Billy’s bald head.

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What I love about Billy Joel is he’s all about New York. Like Springsteen has Asbury Park, Billy has Oysta Bay, Lawn Guyland. (Oyster Bay, Long Island – for the non-natives). He still lives out there and can be found out and about around town. He seems like a truly nice guy and very down to Earth. He never forgot where he came from (maybe because he never left), which is big in my book. Since it is Fleet Week, there was a group of sailors at the show. Bill had them all come up during Goodnight Saigon and then thanked and shook each one of their hands. Coincidentally, the best pictures I took that night were from this moment.

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It turns out that Carson Daly was also at this show. So, you know, typical Friday night, hanging with Bill, Carson and 18,000 of our closest friends. Speaking of our 18,000 friends, I think one of the coolest moments of my life was standing there, listening to Billy Joel sing Piano Man along with all of Madison Square Garden. I mean, I’ve sung along to I Want It That Way with 4 of 5 Backstreet Boys and all of Nassau Coliseum, but this trumps it by a loooong shot.

Saturday was a whole bunch of nothing. I went to work, came home and emptied my DVR. the roller coaster of life, my friends.

Sunday I worked again then came home and got ready to go out for Nicole’s birthday. Her birthday was Friday but I was indisposed and she had family plans so Sunday it was. We went to a beer garden in Park Slope with the best tater tots I’ve ever had. They were shaped like Tetris pieces – a party for the eyes and mouth! We played a rousing game of cornhole, where the most un-athletic person in the place (me) was on the winning team.

To round out the weekend, on Monday, I took a trip with Lisa to the city. She had to drop something off for work and after we just walked around. The city was empty, which was amazing. Summer is definitely on its way because the humidity was high, which brings out all the best city smells.

I can’t say I’m ready for work tomorrow, but are you ever really ready to go to work? Nah.

What did you do this weekend?

Fill me in!

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NOLAin a nutshell (1)

NOLA in a nutshell: the finale!

The third (and final!) part of this recap series is going to be all about what I wish I would have done and some other photos that I wanted to share but didn’t have a place for.

Part one was all about food and part two was all about activities. Catch up first!

WHAT I WISH I DID

Ride the St. Charles trolley through the Garden District – I was hellbent on getting to see the huge houses in the Garden District. After the swamp tour, we had a little while before dinner so my mom and I decided to Uber over to the Garden District. Our driver was so nice and chatty. She recommended that we take the trolley from the start to the end and then at the end, we would find the big houses. It’s a nice ride and the trolley is cheap. It’s like $1.25 a ride. take a hint, MTA. We didn’t have time for that so we just picked a block, got out and walked around. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to see Sandra Bullock’s (or any NOLA celebrity) house and that I didn’t get to see the house covered in Mardi Gras beads but, there’s always next time.

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Have a drink at the Carousel bar – I heard about this bar through one of those links on Facebook. “10 coolest bars to get shitfaced in the US”, or whatever. The bar itself rotates, like a carousel. We passed it in the Uber, on the way to the Garden District. It was in the nice part of town and much more my speed. Not that I need some fancy-schmancy bar to get drunk in, but Bourbon Street is a mess. And I say that in the most loving way possible.

Get read by Otis at Bottom of the Cup – I know I mentioned him before but I really think Otis is legit. He was featured on The Little Couple when Bill and Jen first went to New Orleans. He predicted kids and all of that. Time passed, they adopted Will and Zoey, and then went back to see Otis the next time they were in NOLA. Everything he told them came to be. So, #realdeal.

Experience a real New Orleans wedding parade – I found out on the walking tour that you are allowed to hop on to the back of a wedding parade, but not a funeral one. For obvious reasons. I would have loved to see either of them, but right place, wrong time.

New Orleans is a very spiritual city. I believe there’s ghosts all over the place down there. The city had its fair share of tragedies in its history so it’s not so far off that people would hang around. Before we got our tarot read, my aunt asked the reader if she knew of any mediums. The reader said that she was one, but she couldn’t open the door to spirits when she was near Jackson Sqaure because there are too many souls around and they all try to come across. She explained that she can’t even go into the square because she gets anxiety attacks. She told us that back in the day, the gallows stood where the statue of Andrew Jackson is now and she feels that the souls of the family members who watched their loved ones die come to her because she that’s how she feels, like she’s watching a loved one die/be killed. I, of course, was fascinated by this but I kind of filed it under a cool story and moved on.

When I got home and started to look at the pictures on the computer, I noticed an orb on the Andrew Jackson statue. I posted this already on Instagram, so if you’ve seen it already, move along.

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See the red circle on the back of the horse? Maybe it’s a sun spot, maybe it’s a convicted felon of yesteryear. I’m going with felon and don’t tell me different.

My friend Nicole asked me to find the mansion from American Horror Story. Delphine LaLaurie’s manison, to be exact. Look her up. bitch was crazy. One of the legends around town about her was that she would have these lavish parties and right in the middle, she would leave and come back with a whole new outfit on. Her guests assumed that she was just trying to show off her wealth or whatever but the truth was that she got an itch to kill/maim someone so she went to her basement or the attic, did the deed and then changed out of the bloody garments. A fire burned the house down and exposed Delphine’s secret. i told you, she was crazy. I’m not sure what happened after that, but fast foward to today and the house is privately owned by, in my opinion, a very brave soul.

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The other legend is that Nicholas Cage owned her mansion but lost it to tax evasion. He owned another house in NOLA and lost it the same way. He also has a crypt in St. Louis Cemetery, but it’s highly doubted that he’ll be buried there because he hasn’t been back to New Orleans. Apparently, the celebrities who live there are seen there. Like, at the local grocery store and stuff.

My final thoughts on New Orleans: It is a beautiful, old, history rich city. Although it is 2016, I was almost surprised to see people in normal clothes and not 1800’s garb. It just has a very old feeling to it, which I love. It’s got charm. It also needs a shower. I was warned of the filthiness of NOLA but I really didn’t believe it. To clarify, the streets are clean. It’s not a garbage-ridden dump. Sure, the streets could be fixed and the buildings could use a power wash and a paint job, but it’s no dump. It’s just that I’ve never in my life have seen so many homeless people. No judgement, just an observation. Just like my mom and my aunt observed a cop discovering a dead man on St. Ann Street. I mean, yea. I’m from New York, homeless people are nothing new; this is just different. There was no shortage of art and music in New Orleans, the Quarter, especially. It gave the city life.

And that’s about it! I hope you have enjoyed New Orleans as much as I did!

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